Born-Again Christian Russell Brand Clarifies He Is Christ Reborn

Exiting the courthouse after being sentenced to 10 1/2 years in prison for raping one woman and sexually assaulting three women that we know of, the actor best known for once knowing Katy Perry took the opportunity to preach his religion—himself.

“As you all must already know, I’ve dabbled in many faiths—Buddhism, the Hare Krishna movement, that one trip where I thought a light bulb was the sun god and I refused to leave the green room floor for three weeks…but I am a Christian born again. Because the Bible preaches that Jesus will return, and that means I must be him,” declared Brand with a flourish, pausing for applause and awe which reportedly did not materialize. “So each day, when you think of me suffering in that cell with nary a ginger kombucha, just remember—this undue punishment is why I cannot be there to save you.”  

Opening up a copy of the Bible, the “Get Him to the Greek” cast member struggled to remove the fresh plastic wrap.

“Ha, King James Version. We’ll see about that,” muttered the former disc jockey as he flipped to a random page. “Ah! Here’s the one, listen up, you f—anyway. ‘Thou shalt not honor the son of God,’ i.e. me, ‘as anything less than a holy prince blessing this wicked Earth. Those who say ‘no,’ or are otherwise rude or disagreeable to him, will be smited to eternal damnation in the fiery pits of Hell’…Etcetera.” 

Brand was then escorted into a prison van, where he was heard screaming down the street after being informed that prisons are largely communal. 

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Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore via CC BY-SA 4.0