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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
YouTube TV ups cost to four jars of blood per month
"Knowing how much money I’m saving helps me sleep better at night. I collapse as soon as I fill the last jar!" said one subscriber.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 13, 20242 min read
Swifties scrambling to decipher Easter egg after Taylor Swift spotted eating bologna sandwich
“The sandwich has lettuce and tomato on it. Am I the only one who doesn’t think that’s a coincidence?” questioned user loverlass22.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 9, 20242 min read
Gallagher brothers on Oasis reunion: 'Looking forward to fresh, exciting new arguments'
"At this point, there's no interest in debating who punched what or whether or not a hangover is the same as laryngitis," explained Liam.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 27, 20242 min read
Taylor Swift uses big Grammy win to announce purchase of Kansas City Chiefs
"I took a look at my pocket change and thought 'Taylor, you deserve a little treat. You should buy the team.' So I did!" said Swift.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 5, 20243 min read
'GTA VI' protagonist to be guy trying to sneak out of work 30 minutes early
Make way for Greg Silas, a 54-year-old, balding accountant who just wants to get home to see the 5 o'clock news live for once.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 6, 20232 min read
Marvel announces new superhero to be out of shape guy lying on couch
The new hero has undiagnosed PTSD and hasn't gone for a jog since the Reagan administration.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 15, 20232 min read
Taylor Swift elected Speaker of the House
"What she lacks in political experience is made up for by her lack of political experience," said Rep. Ralph Norman.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 15, 20232 min read
Report: WGA agreement includes ‘heaps and heaps’ of cocaine
"Homeless is fine, but sober is a no-go," said Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav.
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 25, 20232 min read
Disney princesses criticized for 'showing too much ankle'
Days after not receiving a response, protestors took to the streets.
Mackenzie Moore
May 27, 20232 min read
Five food mascots even sexier than the green M&M
Tony the Tiger is stepdaddy material.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 3, 20232 min read
Guy at Oscar party just pretending to know the rules
“Most of the time I watch a movie, it’s because I was flipping through channels and ended up settling on TBS.”
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 13, 20233 min read
J.K. Rowling: ‘11 is too young to decide if one wants to become a wizard’
“Part of me thinks he would’ve been better off remaining a lonely orphan living in a closet under the stairs,” said Rowling.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 22, 20232 min read
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