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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Kid from broken home refuses to stop smashing walls with sledgehammer
“Breaking things is fun!” explained Timothy, his beaming face caked with drywall dust.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 92 min read
‘Nobody cares about Pride Month’ says man talking about it constantly
"I’m sick of this rainbow flag BS," the Iowan posted on Facebook for the 17th time in five days.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 52 min read
Newly-graduated anatomy major still unaware of ways of the female body
"I know about as much about chicks as Charles Darwin knew about Bitcoin,” admitted Rundgren.
Mackenzie Moore
May 192 min read
Catholic man hoping next pope ‘a little less Jesus-y’
"Maybe a Hulk Hogan type,” suggested the 65-year-old Mississippi man.
Mackenzie Moore
May 52 min read
‘The media is real quiet about this’ says guy who never reads the news
"We need real newsmen — not people who tell me which Disney princess I am,” vented Nelson, indicating that his primary point of reference is Buzzfeed.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 171 min read
Water bottle unwashed for weeks begging for mercy
"This is no way to treat the things you claim to care about, Stacy!” pleaded the dent-ridden Hydro Flask.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 92 min read
Man insists on carnivore diet in pursuit of gaining strength to eat vegetable
"Sure — I may need a triple bypass for my heart, but that’s A-OK in the name of bypassing the mental block in my brain," said Hollis.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 302 min read
Man’s New Year’s resolution to stop kidding self, give up
“People say ‘shoot for the moon and land among the stars,’ but I’d argue that you’re suffocating out there either way," said Wittker.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 21 min read
Couple debating which family to complain about visiting over holidays
"Remember when your mom learned Photoshop just to cut me out of the picture you sent for the Christmas card?” asked girlfriend Jane Vye.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 18, 20242 min read
Parents relieved to see mall Santa only appropriate level of happy to be there
"I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t mentally preparing to punch Kris Kringle in the trachea on the drive over," said the father.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 16, 20242 min read
Raw milk devotees gather to eat uncooked chicken, ‘stick it to the man’
"I dare anyone to come and take it," said Dan Allen, referring to the raw chicken tightly gripped in his hand for who knows how long.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 5, 20242 min read
Veteran acknowledges choice to serve primarily based on annual free meal at Applebee's
"Defending democracy is all well and good, but truth be told, my heart was really in it for the Applebee's," said the Afghanistan veteran.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 11, 20242 min read
Young adult to receive Halloween scare by paying rent
"It's not so bad. I get paid in two weeks," said the 23-year-old before opening his pantry to find expired beans and stale saltine crackers.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 31, 20242 min read
Employer health insurance plan only covers doctor wearing dirty smock in dimly-lit shack
"My doc may use rusty needles, but heck — he finds a vein on the first try every time. That oughta count for something," said one employee.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 14, 20242 min read
Facebook mom distraught after neglecting to make new post for third 'National Sons Day' of the year
"Do I acknowledge that I know I'm a bit late, or do I just shoot it out there and hope nobody notices?" debated the mother of two.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 3, 20242 min read
Reincarnation confirmed by study on 'exorbitant' number of bug vs. automobile suicides
Scientists say they will now focus on teaching flying insects how to masturbate and hold their liquor in order to improve quality of life.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 2, 20242 min read
Report: Neighbor only mowing lawn at 6:30 a.m. to justify breakfast beer
"Nothing better than a cold beer while working hard with the sun beating down on ya," said Boyer far too early for heat to be an issue.
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 18, 20242 min read
Rifle forces owner to enter couples therapy due to co-dependency
"I feel like you're using me as arm candy instead of cherishing my true purpose," shared the MCX-SPEAR rifle.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 15, 20242 min read
Report: Smoke alarm just kind of winging it
"The fact is that I should've been replaced like 10 years ago. If I don't do good work, why would they keep me around?" reasoned the alarm.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 1, 20242 min read
Denial of the Day: 'Crossword maker wrong, not me'
"How did nobody catch this before it was published?" wondered Reading, PA resident Jenna Happ.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 30, 20242 min read
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