“Breaking things is fun!” explained Timothy, his beaming face caked with drywall dust.

"I’m sick of this rainbow flag BS," the Iowan posted on Facebook for the 17th time in five days.

"I know about as much about chicks as Charles Darwin knew about Bitcoin,” admitted Rundgren. 

"Maybe a Hulk Hogan type,” suggested the 65-year-old Mississippi man.

"We need real newsmen — not people who tell me which Disney princess I am,” vented Nelson, indicating that his primary point of reference is Buzzfeed. 

"This is no way to treat the things you claim to care about, Stacy!” pleaded the dent-ridden Hydro Flask.

"Sure — I may need a triple bypass for my heart, but that’s A-OK in the name of bypassing the mental block in my brain," said Hollis. 

“People say ‘shoot for the moon and land among the stars,’ but I’d argue that you’re suffocating out there either way," said Wittker.

"Remember when your mom learned Photoshop just to cut me out of the picture you sent for the Christmas card?” asked girlfriend Jane Vye.

"I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t mentally preparing to punch Kris Kringle in the trachea on the drive over," said the father.

"I dare anyone to come and take it," said Dan Allen, referring to the raw chicken tightly gripped in his hand for who knows how long.

"Defending democracy is all well and good, but truth be told, my heart was really in it for the Applebee's," said the Afghanistan veteran.

"It's not so bad. I get paid in two weeks," said the 23-year-old before opening his pantry to find expired beans and stale saltine crackers.

"My doc may use rusty needles, but heck — he finds a vein on the first try every time. That oughta count for something," said one employee.

"Do I acknowledge that I know I'm a bit late, or do I just shoot it out there and hope nobody notices?" debated the mother of two.

Scientists say they will now focus on teaching flying insects how to masturbate and hold their liquor in order to improve quality of life.

"Nothing better than a cold beer while working hard with the sun beating down on ya," said Boyer far too early for heat to be an issue.

"I feel like you're using me as arm candy instead of cherishing my true purpose," shared the MCX-SPEAR rifle.

"The fact is that I should've been replaced like 10 years ago. If I don't do good work, why would they keep me around?" reasoned the alarm.

"How did nobody catch this before it was published?" wondered Reading, PA resident Jenna Happ.