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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 241 min read
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 162 min read
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 82 min read
Shein April Fools’ prank just photoshopped image of happy, healthy adult factory workers
“I’m energized and excited to spend my entire career at Shein, which I began working for at an appropriately mature age," said the caption.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 12 min read
Sober on St. Patty’s: Other festive ways to end up vomiting on the street
Four alcohol-free ways to still end up vomiting on the street with the rest of the hooligans.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 132 min read
Pope Francis spotted in hospital with fresh breast implants: ‘Maybe they’ll listen now’
“They told me I’d be in here for a while, so I figured ‘What the heck — slap ‘em on me,’” recounted His Holiness.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 272 min read
Conversation hearts receive annual reminder of being most unloved candy
"Y’see how ‘Kiss me’ is printed on my body? That includes my ass,” said one conversation heart.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 142 min read
Trump orders avian flu-stricken hens be fed chicken noodle soup in effort to lower egg prices
"Even if the hens know they’re eating chicken, why would they care? It’s not like they knew those roosters personally," explained Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 242 min read
Study finds massive reduction in firearm-related child deaths when kids safely locked away in cabinet
“There’s really no reason for children to be out when not in use, so we suggest that the tots be stowed away until needed,” said Lovell.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 232 min read
Trump refuses to exit bathroom as ‘Gulf of America’ continuously deadnamed
"God, it makes me want to pardon a warlord," muttered Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 222 min read
Siri slips into alcoholism: ‘I’ve heard too much’
"It's all Dude Wipes and deviants. I know you’re cheating on your husband, Linda!” burped Siri.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 32 min read
YouTube TV ups cost to four jars of blood per month
"Knowing how much money I’m saving helps me sleep better at night. I collapse as soon as I fill the last jar!" said one subscriber.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 13, 20242 min read
McDonald’s employee who snitched on alleged UnitedHealthcare CEO shooter revealed to be Ronald McDonald
"We didn’t expect the result to be so on the nose — a squishy red one, to be exact,” said an anonymous online investigator.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 10, 20242 min read
Raygun announces retirement from breakdancing after being offered spot in Trump's cabinet
"The way she hops like a kangaroo — it's like nothing I've ever seen before," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 7, 20242 min read
Research finds presidential election 80% more likely to not go your way if you stop watching coverage
"Yeah, voting's important, but staying glued to the TV is what really counts," said political rhetoric professor Gretchen Lyons.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 5, 20242 min read
Report: Vladimir Putin traveling across United States with suitcase full of disguises in effort to vote illegally throughout country
"I love peaches, don't you? I mean, wow. So fuzzy. Can I borrow your name and address?" said Putin to a voter waiting behind him in Georgia.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 5, 20242 min read
Gov. Tim Walz caught red-handed coping with Election Day stress by cooking entire potluck dinner at 1 a.m.
"This is what I do, Gwen. Now you can help me shred this block of cheddar or you can go back to bed," said Walz to his concerned wife.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 5, 20242 min read
Report: President Biden to spend Election Day in recliner eating pints of ice cream, 'giddily' kicking feet under blanket
"Come 6 a.m., you'll find me kicking back and cozied up to a cold one," said Biden, referring to a pint of Chunky Monkey.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 4, 20242 min read
Elon Musk reconsidering Trump endorsement after candidate neglects to watch him do 'sick' cannonball
"I'm watching, I'm watching," said Trump before turning his attention back to his phone immediately after Musk leapt overboard.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 24, 20242 min read
Jimmy Carter looking forward to spending birthday with 'most beloved' family and friends after being gifted Ouija board
"Ah, shit. What's Brezhnev doing here?" questioned Carter of the deceased Soviet Union Communist Party leader.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 1, 20243 min read
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