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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 241 min read
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 262 min read
Soul of Aaron Rodgers requests trade to new person
"Being here is a waste of my time, and I'm immortal," explained the frustrated energy.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 112 min read
Kid from broken home refuses to stop smashing walls with sledgehammer
“Breaking things is fun!” explained Timothy, his beaming face caked with drywall dust.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 92 min read
‘Nobody cares about Pride Month’ says man talking about it constantly
"I’m sick of this rainbow flag BS," the Iowan posted on Facebook for the 17th time in five days.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 52 min read
Newly-graduated anatomy major still unaware of ways of the female body
"I know about as much about chicks as Charles Darwin knew about Bitcoin,” admitted Rundgren.
Mackenzie Moore
May 192 min read
Catholic man hoping next pope ‘a little less Jesus-y’
"Maybe a Hulk Hogan type,” suggested the 65-year-old Mississippi man.
Mackenzie Moore
May 52 min read
‘The media is real quiet about this’ says guy who never reads the news
"We need real newsmen — not people who tell me which Disney princess I am,” vented Nelson, indicating that his primary point of reference is Buzzfeed.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 171 min read
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 162 min read
Water bottle unwashed for weeks begging for mercy
"This is no way to treat the things you claim to care about, Stacy!” pleaded the dent-ridden Hydro Flask.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 92 min read
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 82 min read
Shein April Fools’ prank just photoshopped image of happy, healthy adult factory workers
“I’m energized and excited to spend my entire career at Shein, which I began working for at an appropriately mature age," said the caption.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 12 min read
The Desk 3/26/25: Trump Derangement Syndrome, ‘Gov. Hot Wheels,’ and Pete Hegseth’s big whiff
The Desk 3/26/25
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 262 min read
Sober on St. Patty’s: Other festive ways to end up vomiting on the street
Four alcohol-free ways to still end up vomiting on the street with the rest of the hooligans.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 132 min read
Pope Francis spotted in hospital with fresh breast implants: ‘Maybe they’ll listen now’
“They told me I’d be in here for a while, so I figured ‘What the heck — slap ‘em on me,’” recounted His Holiness.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 272 min read
Conversation hearts receive annual reminder of being most unloved candy
"Y’see how ‘Kiss me’ is printed on my body? That includes my ass,” said one conversation heart.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 142 min read
Man insists on carnivore diet in pursuit of gaining strength to eat vegetable
"Sure — I may need a triple bypass for my heart, but that’s A-OK in the name of bypassing the mental block in my brain," said Hollis.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 302 min read
Trump orders avian flu-stricken hens be fed chicken noodle soup in effort to lower egg prices
"Even if the hens know they’re eating chicken, why would they care? It’s not like they knew those roosters personally," explained Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 242 min read
Study finds massive reduction in firearm-related child deaths when kids safely locked away in cabinet
“There’s really no reason for children to be out when not in use, so we suggest that the tots be stowed away until needed,” said Lovell.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 232 min read
Trump refuses to exit bathroom as ‘Gulf of America’ continuously deadnamed
"God, it makes me want to pardon a warlord," muttered Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 222 min read
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