“Oh, so if a cartoon bear walks around without pants or underwear it’s totally fine and cute, but a 33-year-old man does it and suddenly it’s a crime?” grumbled Burke.

“We were going to do this back in the '60s, but then Jane Goodall traveled to Tanzania and saved your parasitic asses,” said Banjo, a chimp representing Rwanda.

“They’re teaching him things I’ve never even heard before — why would I trust any of that garbage?” questioned Sanders, having read zero books since graduating high school in 2005.

"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.

The Desk 6/26/25

"Being here is a waste of my time, and I'm immortal," explained the frustrated energy.

“Breaking things is fun!” explained Timothy, his beaming face caked with drywall dust.

"I’m sick of this rainbow flag BS," the Iowan posted on Facebook for the 17th time in five days.

"I know about as much about chicks as Charles Darwin knew about Bitcoin,” admitted Rundgren. 

"Maybe a Hulk Hogan type,” suggested the 65-year-old Mississippi man.

"We need real newsmen — not people who tell me which Disney princess I am,” vented Nelson, indicating that his primary point of reference is Buzzfeed. 

“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.

"This is no way to treat the things you claim to care about, Stacy!” pleaded the dent-ridden Hydro Flask.

“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.

“I’m energized and excited to spend my entire career at Shein, which I began working for at an appropriately mature age," said the caption.

The Desk 3/26/25

Four alcohol-free ways to still end up vomiting on the street with the rest of the hooligans.

“They told me I’d be in here for a while, so I figured ‘What the heck — slap ‘em on me,’” recounted His Holiness.

"Y’see how ‘Kiss me’ is printed on my body? That includes my ass,” said one conversation heart.

"Sure — I may need a triple bypass for my heart, but that’s A-OK in the name of bypassing the mental block in my brain," said Hollis.