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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Soul of Aaron Rodgers requests trade to new person
"Being here is a waste of my time, and I'm immortal," explained the frustrated energy.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 112 min read
Jerry Jones to ban seating, hydration from Dallas Cowboys sideline
"While the other team is rehydrating, we're curing like a fine-tuned jerky," said Jones, likely basing the idea on his own skincare routine.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 12, 20242 min read
NASCAR announces Machu Picchu street race
"Come next summer, it will be impossible to bring up the Inca Empire without mentioning NASCAR’s undeniable impact," said CEO Jim France.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 12, 20242 min read
Young adult entering 'Jordan year' probably not going to accomplish much
"What should I be doing? Do you want me to go to space? Do you want me to start a basic retirement plan? Ha, that's a laugh," said Blug.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 10, 20242 min read
Source: Bronny James 'likely' to be drafted by dads on community rec center team
"After winning state in '96, I was like a king at school. Now, I can't even get a hug from my daughter's choir teacher," scoffed Brierson.
Mackenzie Moore
May 29, 20242 min read
Caleb Williams to skip NFL draft after learning other players will be drafted same night
Only one thing could ruin the top quarterback's big night — having to share it.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 24, 20242 min read
Employee fired after losing office March Madness bracket competition in first round
"Unfortunately, she doesn't know jack about hoops," said Ingles' boss.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 21, 20242 min read
NBA to begin awarding four points for tackling
"This is completely wrong. I'm being targeted," said currently injured 76ers star Joel Embiid.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 14, 20242 min read
Jason Kelce retires, immediately throws all clothing in bonfire
The Super Bowl champion notably did not set any of his underwear ablaze, most likely because he did not own any to begin with.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 4, 20242 min read
Puppy Bowl athlete disqualified after testing positive for PEDs
15-week-old golden retriever Jellybean Funkhouser was disqualified after submitting to a routine random drug test.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 8, 20242 min read
Taylor Swift uses big Grammy win to announce purchase of Kansas City Chiefs
"I took a look at my pocket change and thought 'Taylor, you deserve a little treat. You should buy the team.' So I did!" said Swift.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 5, 20243 min read
NFL to hold first ‘Ugh Bowl’
"Get ready for an okay time!" said commissioner Roger Goodell.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 29, 20242 min read
Jerry Jones to challenge Dak Prescott for Dallas Cowboys' starting quarterback spot
After 35 years of sitting up in the box, I think it's about dang time I touch some grass," said Jones.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 15, 20242 min read
Pop-Tarts Bowl mascot to be canonized as saint by Pope Francis
"To canonize him will be the highlight of my career," concluded a sniffling Pope Francis.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 29, 20232 min read
Draymond Green to receive anger management training from tantrum-prone toddler
4-year-old counselor Levi Anders was recently suspended from Sunnyside Daycare until he stops punching kids for knowing how to count.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 15, 20232 min read
Bucky Badger, Willie the Wildcat attend therapy together prior to matchup: 'For Becky'
"She wanted to eat Bec-key Lime Pie ice cream and drink glass after glass of milk. You're a cat — you're lactose intolerant!" said Bucky.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 10, 20233 min read
Fetus named top college football recruit of 2041
"We're just excited to get this guy viable outside of the womb and onto the gridiron," said Coach Fickell.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 19, 20232 min read
TCU kicked out of March Madness after shooting blood at Gonzaga players through eyes
Down late in the second half, survival instincts kicked in for the Horned Frogs.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 20, 20232 min read
Packer fans’ cheese eating session more emotionally charged today
“I ate a block of sharp cheddar like it was a candy bar, but not in the fun way I’m used to,” said Packers owner Greg Kilovsky.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 15, 20232 min read
Report: Philadelphia Eagles considered putting Gritty in during final play of Super Bowl LVII
"Yes, there were only a few seconds left in the entire game, but plenty of men have been murdered in far less time," noted Coach Sirianni.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 13, 20233 min read
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