Marvel announces new superhero to be out of shape guy lying on couch

Marvel was left scratching its head following last week's release of "The Marvels," which currently stands as the biggest flop in the Marvel cinematic universe. While the movie utilized the same winning formula used for successful superhero movies for over a decade, the reality check prompted Marvel to announce a new superhero — an out of shape guy lying on a couch.

"We here at Marvel are committed to our audience, meaning that we need to shift with them," said Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige. "For a long time, we were focused on the cliche superhero — muscular, attractive, and at least one point of major trauma. Now, we see that people want to see themselves in the heroes on screen, so we've adjusted — our newest hero is lazy, out of shape, and has way more trauma. Full-on PTSD. But undiagnosed because this character refuses to go to the doctor and doesn't believe in therapy."

It's a big switch from six-pack abs on towering gods to six-packs of Hamm''s on a guy who hasn't gone for a jog since the Reagan administration. Still, Marvel fans seem open to the new hero.

"Yeah, it's cool to watch Captain America and Thor tear apart cities and commit murder in various impressive ways, but at the end of it, I can't help but feel bad about myself. Especially when I've refilled my XL popcorn bucket twice," said Marvel superfan Brandon Caddel. "If I could watch someone lay back in a recliner and eat bags of Cheetos for three hours, I think I'd feel better about myself."

While the concept of the character was announced, there was not a name reveal to go along with the news.

"Hmm. There's Wolverine. Maybe we could call him Hippo? No, no — that's too powerful. Iron Man...Flab Guy? Too easy," reportedly began Feige while sitting in his home office while his family ate dinner without him. "Ghost Rider, so maybe Flesh Lounger? And there's Thor, so maybe he could be...actually, fuck it. His name's Dave."

With all of the excitement, it's easy to forget that Marvel films take 4-6 years to complete due to — among many other factors — the coordination of incredible stunts, intricate costumes, and the use of the best and most meticulous new technology.

However, because there are no stunts, the "costume" is just old, off-color jeans and a sweater with a stain near the belly button, and the film is rumored to just be one continuous, static shot, the movie is likely to be out by the end of 2032.

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Photo courtesy of Chris Breeze via CC BY 2.0