Holiday Shopping, Penny Cancellation, and the Heisman Conniption

The U.S. Mint officially cancelled penny production last month, marking the end of its 232-year run. 

“How does a coin even commit sexual assault?” asked one #MeToo denier. 

—------------------------

Authorities have released the person of interest in the devastating Brown University shooting, but not before anonymous law enforcement sources leaked the innocent man’s name to the media.  

It was a horrible, potentially life-ruining decision by the officers involved, but rest assured their superiors are seeking the highest form of discipline — a two-week suspension with pay. 

—-------------------------

The Green Bay Packers’ playoff hopes are in disarray after star defensive end Micah Parsons appeared to have suffered a torn ACL in Sunday’s loss to the Broncos.

“Well daggumit, I can tackle for ya,” said 44-year-old grandpa Philip Rivers.

—-------------------------

The bystander who heroically tackled and wrestled a gun from one of the Bondi Beach shooters has been identified as Ahmed al Ahmed, a father of two daughters and son of Syrian refugees. 

“This is why we can’t let these people into the United States — it’d destroy our culture,” said Donald Trump. 

—-------------------------

With consumers facing an increasingly difficult financial environment, shopping expert Trae Bodge has advised gift givers to save money by searching for coupons, using browser extensions to find the best deals, and buying in bulk.

This differs slightly from The Slug Report’s advice of selling your buddy's plasma, posting pics of your little piggies on OnlyFans, and not questioning who that unattended duffel bag full of cash you found in the alley belongs to. 

—-------------------------

Vanderbilt quarterback and Heisman finalist Diego Pavia has backtracked following a volcanic public outburst after losing the prestigious award.

“I have much love and respect for the Heisman voters and the selection process. I apologize for being disrespectful…but nothing would be more disrespectful than me letting you walk away without considering this beautiful 2011 Kia Sorento,” pitched Pavia. 

---------------------------------------------------------

Photo courtesy of Matt Slocum