The Desk 3/26/25: Trump Derangement Syndrome, ‘Gov. Hot Wheels,’ and Pete Hegseth’s big whiff

Now-former Sen. Justin Eichorn of Minnesota has been arrested for attempting to solicit a minor for prostitution. This comes immediately after the lawmaker put forth a bill coining the term “Trump Derangement Syndrome” to describe those concerned about President Trump’s policies. 

While TDS won’t be included in the next edition of the DSM, the politician will still get some 

notoriety, as a photo of Eichorn will appear in the “pedophilic diagnostic criteria” section. 

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A portrait of Donald Trump was removed from the Colorado state capitol after the president claimed it was “distorted.”

The painting will soon be replaced with what Trump considers a more accurate depiction, including washboard abs, a full head of luscious hair, and measuring tape indicating him to be seven feet tall. 

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Pope Francis has been released from the hospital after a bout with double pneumonia resulted in a five-week stay, including two near-death crises. 

“Thank God! I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t get to shake his hand — now’s the time! I just hope I’ll be able to taste the Italian food,” said an unvaccinated American with a mysterious sore throat. 

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Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth accidentally sent the exact locations and timings of when warplanes would be launched and bombs dropped in Yemen in an unclassified chat that included Atlantic Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Goldberg. 

“Oopsie daisy,” said Hegseth when reminded that he promised to quit drinking if confirmed to his position. 

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After facing backlash for calling him “Governor Hot Wheels,” Texas Rep. Jasmine Crockett clarified that she was referring to Greg Abbott’s policies regarding the transportation of illegal immigrants rather than his disability.

“Aw, bummer,” said Abbott after tricking out his wheelchair with a red paint job and flame decals. 

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The Supreme Court has upheld a regulation requiring that ghost gun kits bought online include serial numbers, background checks, and age verification. This comes after being challenged by gun groups, who argued that most crimes are committed using traditional firearms. 

In other words, “Hey now, we can already trace the majority of murder weapons — let’s not overstep. How about we throw the rest of the criminals a bone and call it good?”

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Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore via CC BY-SA 2.0