Man Dismayed As Winnie-the-Pooh Costume Results In Public Indecency Charge

Millions have been planning their Halloween costumes since Target put out last year’s Christmas decorations. A notable exception is Jonah Burke, who simply opted to throw on a red t-shirt, some dollar store bear ears, and absolutely nothing else before hitting the town in a concerningly authentic Winnie-the-Pooh getup.

“Hey, you’re welcome to my Hundred Acre Wood, if ya catch my drift,” said Burke to an innocent woman promptly before being grabbed and dragged out of the club by a bouncer. “This is some bullshit! The bathroom window is a perfectly reasonable entry point. If I had a pot of honey, I’d smash it over your head right now!”

Upon being tossed onto the curb like any garden variety sack of garbage, the eligible bachelor got up, checked for unfortunate chafing, and began a solitary, Eeyore-like tread down the sidewalk. 

“Oh, so if a cartoon bear walks around without pants or underwear it’s totally fine and cute, but a 33-year-old man does it and suddenly it’s a crime?” grumbled Burke to himself, peeping into a bar with his body pressed against the glass to see people laughing, taking shots, and appearing genuinely happy. “Goddamn posers. But hell, the night is young. Someone is bound to really, truly see me for all I am.”

And right he was, as latex-gloved police officers approached the melted teddy bear of a fellow. 

“Look, you guys are wearing some sick costumes and I totally see us being pals, but I need you to uncuff me. I get itchy when it’s cold out,” said the wayward soul as he was escorted into a cop car. “Dang, nice ride! Whatever party you’re about to take me to must be sick!” 

Shoved into the clink for the night along with a college kid who committed petty theft at a CVS and a drunk man dressed as the Pillsbury Doughboy found urinating outside of a Chili’s, Burke began to learn a crucial lesson — it’s not about the friends you start the evening with, but the strangers whom you share a metal toilet with along the way. 

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Photo courtesy of William Fortunato