‘But Pretti Had a Gun,’ Says Man with Pistol at Grocery Store

Entering the local Piggly Wiggly strapped with a Glock 19 at 10 a.m. Monday morning, retiree Greg Moffet shook his head at the newspaper stand and thought to himself — “Why did Alex Pretti have a gun on him if he didn’t intend to shoot someone?”

“That guy had no reason to be carrying a firearm. He was clearly asking for trouble,” remarked the father of two, strolling past the deli counter with a loaded pistol as if the roast beef would suddenly come back to life and charge. “I know if I were one of those agents, I would’ve done the same thing.”

Though meeting the qualifications to join ICE in that he has none, the former hot tub salesman instead patted his pocket to ensure his heater was present for an ice cream section perusal. 

“Rocky road or cookie dough? Jeez, this decision is just like when those five officers had to pick between letting Pretti help that woman up or shooting at him ten times,” thought Moffet of the murdered ICU nurse for the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. “Sure, he just had a phone in his hand, but what if it had been his gun instead? That’s what those ‘woke’ idiots don’t get.” 

Upon exiting the grocery store and seeing a potential masked criminal, the 20/160-visioned man hurriedly readied his finger on the trigger before realizing it was a shivering 80-year-old woman with a scarf wrapped around her head. 

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Photo courtesy of Teknorat via CC BY-SA 2.0