Patriotic Sabotage, Masculine Accessorizing, and a Fraternity's Worst Nightmare

A Florida chimpanzee sanctuary delivered food to one of its 200 apes by drone this week after the property was inundated with heavy rain.

“It's not glamorous, but dropping bananas is a lot less stressful than my last gig,” said the drone.

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Police are investigating potential hazing after a video circulating on social media showed two Ohio State students engulfed in flames at a fraternity party while a ring of people stood around and watched, resulting in the victims receiving second and third-degree burns. 

If charged, the fraternity can expect an extreme punishment many members reportedly consider worse than death—100 hours of community service.

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A federal judge ruled Thursday that two New Hampshire fathers should not have been banned from school grounds for wearing pink “XX” wristbands to protest transgender athletes, a punishment one of the fathers says led him to miss more than half of his daughter’s games her senior year in an effort to “stand up for what [he] believes in.”

That’s right, because nothing screams “traditional masculinity” and “support girls’ sports!” like missing your daughter’s final games because you couldn’t accessorize how you wanted.

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Environmental activist Greta Thunberg spoke at United Nations climate talks today, warning those in attendance that “everyone we love is at stake.”

Said the U.N. leaders, “So…we’re in the clear then, right?”

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Megyn Kelly and Elon Musk both defended Russell Brand after the comedian was sentenced to 10 1/2 years in prison for one count of rape and three counts of sexual assault, referring to the penalty as a “political witch hunt” and “crazy legal standard,” respectively. 

After learning that Kelly and Musk appear to be staunchly in the former radio host’s corner, the judge added three more years “just to be safe.”

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Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth fought back against calls for his impeachment, saying, “This is not patriotism, this is sabotage.”

Coincidentally, the former Fox News contributor is said to have responded the same way when a liquor store owner refused to sell him his “lucky war planning whiskey” at 2:30 a.m.

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Photo courtesy of LuciaMontanaroPhoto via CC BY-SA 4.0