Primates Announce ‘Planet of the Apes’ Takeover: ‘We Only Held Back for Jane Goodall’

Following the somehow shocking death of beloved primatologist Jane Goodall at the age of 91, the world’s apes have come together to make a united statement — “Watch out.”

“We were going to do this back in the '60s, but then Jane Goodall traveled to Tanzania and saved your parasitic asses,” said Banjo, a chimp representing Rwanda. “The hope was for mankind to get itself together by now, but that clearly hasn’t happened. Apes like myself are more fit to run the planet, which is saying something because I’m eight years old and just learned how to crack peanut shells yesterday.” 

With upwards of 1.25 million apes left in the world, the soon-to-be overlords are intimidating when it comes to strength in numbers and sheer face-ripping ability. However, the regime wants to make something clear — it’s not as scary as people may worry. 

“Some humans have been sad there’s no pets in the White House anymore, but that’s about to change! I actually just got a new kitten — she’s both adorable and tasty,” shared Lolo, a Bonobo born and raised in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. “And don’t think we won’t take the needs of your kind into account! We quite enjoy watching Real Housewives ourselves.”

Lolo added that natural resources and landscapes will also be carefully and lovingly preserved, but opted not to make a bigger point of it because “that should be obvious.”

There’s no strict timeline on when the takeover will conclude. In the meantime, it’s recommended for humankind to stock up on bananas, figs, and other treats the incoming overlords will enjoy. 

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Photo courtesy of Nikeush via CC BY-SA 4.0