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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
State of Wisconsin collectively agrees to pretend it's summer
"I already put all of my jeans into storage for the year. It's flip flop time, baby," concluded Monroe's Dave Wincher.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 17, 20232 min read
Wisconsin mourns end of peak season in which eating fried fish considered healthy
"If I hadn't taken my family out for fish every week of March, I would've missed my four-year-old's first old fashioned."
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 10, 20232 min read
Local dog wondering why nobody ever takes him bowling
"How many 'Air Bud' movies have there been? They even shot one in space, but nobody ever thought to take the dog bowling," said Squink.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 24, 20232 min read
Old beer finally green enough to drink
“If you’re 40 and just opened a bar, you better hope you’ve been stashing away beer since you were three,” stated O’Sullivan.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 17, 20233 min read
Penance given by priest a little steep
“Am I allowed to confess to another priest to see if their penalty works better for me first?”
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 10, 20233 min read
Aging couple just wants to live long enough to become burden to children
“That way, we’d have more time with the grandchildren,” said Mrs. McKinney, referring to her zero grandkids.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 8, 20233 min read
Black coffee snob could actually use less bitterness
"Hiking is for people who can’t afford a gym membership and I don’t watch sunsets because the colors aren’t masculine,” explained Bohauser.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 3, 20233 min read
Rain makes area woman nostalgic for time she used to shower
“Why would I shower, because I got sweaty? I don’t think I’ve gone beyond a brisk walk since 10th grade,” said Stetson prior to the rainfall
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 27, 20232 min read
Purchasing new condiment highlight of young adult’s week
It takes very little effort to turn a bowl of rice and beans into a bowl of rice and beans with Frank’s Red Hot in it.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 24, 20233 min read
Cubicle worker brings slow cooker full of raw salmon to avoid heating fish in shared microwave
“I’m on the Mediterranean diet, which if you don’t know, means that you can only eat fish or else you’ll be enlisted in the Navy."
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 20, 20232 min read
Cold winter weather ‘not so bad once hypothermia sets in,’ says Midwestern man
“Sure, 10 below zero feels a little chilly at first. But once you’re sitting out there for a while, you can just feel your body adjust."
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 2, 20232 min read
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