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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Jimmy Carter attributes reaching 100 to 'guts, peanuts, and plenty of smut'
"I'd go and trade those peanuts in for a nudie mag down at the five and dime," reminisced the former president.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 1, 20242 min read
Times Square Elmo 'seriously' weighing potential mayoral run following Eric Adams indictment
Elmo's platform would include defunding the NYPD in order to turn all duties over to 'trusted ally' Super Grover.
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 27, 20242 min read
Trump doubles down on debate: 'Having a plan is for nerds, losers'
"Having a plan without being elected president first? That's like knowing how to run a business before being named CEO," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 11, 20242 min read
Biden calls punching Helen Keller early in political career ‘an honest mistake’
"Helen and I hashed it out and now we’re ready to play some ball,” assured the president of the United States.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 13, 20241 min read
JD Vance on birth control policies: 'I'm a staunch supporter of the pull out couch method'
"Fact is, who needs condoms or pills when you could just get some latex gloves and make a quick stop at IKEA?" said Trump's running mate.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 7, 20242 min read
Walz returning to education as middle school lunchroom monitor in preparation for potential vice presidential debate
The newly-announced VP pick says he'd like to get used to debating those who are "cranky and unreasonable" due to underdeveloped brains.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 6, 20242 min read
Trump considering abandoning Black vote in exchange for angle on Harris
“Laughing Kamala. Really, Donald? You can do better. Where’s that signature sense of humor?” said Trump to himself.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 22, 20241 min read
Report: Biden willing to step down in exchange for signature Ben & Jerry's flavor
The president has settled on "Joseph Raisinet Biden," a play on both his middle name and the last 16 years of his political career.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 18, 20242 min read
Vance named Trump's running mate after job turned down by Hamburglar
"Dense Pence promised to steal Big Macs for me, but he gave up trying after failing at only 10 separate franchises. Coward," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 15, 20242 min read
Old Navy introduces junior maternity clothing line for Fourth of July sale
The line is the first of its kind to cater to those between the ages of 10-15.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 4, 20242 min read
Biden confesses lack of energy during debate due to high-intensity Ironman training
“By the time I got my 90 mile ride in and finished it up with a quick half-marathon run, it was time to get to the stage!" explained Biden.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 28, 20242 min read
Biden to attempt flipping Trump voters by wearing Reagan mask during debate
"If you wanna be adored like the man, you’ve gotta look like the man, muchacho!” stated the 46th president of the United States.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 24, 20242 min read
Heat wave prompts 'overwhelming' increase in shirtless, chubby older men with feet in baby pool
"We all heard the buzz about cicadas this summer, but this is truly an outbreak of its own," said biologist Dr. Candace Kruch.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 17, 20242 min read
Red Lobster to attempt comeback with discount dumpster seafood
Say goodbye to "Lobster your way" and hello to "Lobster the Red Lobster way" — a.k.a. "Scooped from the dumpster out back."
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 5, 20242 min read
Jimmy Carter announces entry into 2024 presidential race: 'It's the right time'
At 99 years old, the longtime hospice patient's energy and mental faculties greatly outmatch those of his opponents.
Mackenzie Moore
May 31, 20242 min read
RFK Jr.: 'The presidency should go to whoever can eat the most worms'
"I say we find a playground on a rainy morning, scoop some worms into a bucket, and find out who the real top dog is," said RFK Jr.
Mackenzie Moore
May 9, 20242 min read
Dick's Sporting Goods to only stock tents after being named top retailer of new homes
Mays hopes to move back into an apartment once she's done paying off medical bills for an ointment she received after stepping on a bee.
Mackenzie Moore
May 1, 20242 min read
Report: Anti-fascist Columbia University demonstration somehow not work of antifa
Despite "anti-fascist" being the namesake, antifa oddly only seems to be blamed for pro-fascism events.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 30, 20242 min read
Biden to use State of the Union address to summarize entire 'The Lord of the Rings' series
The president will have roughly an hour to summarize about 12 hours of screen time, complete with impressions.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 7, 20242 min read
Wendy’s CEO salary reduced to 10 cents due to low market demand
Unfortunately for CEO Kirk Tanner, Wendy's is not Coachella and he is not Beyoncé.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 28, 20242 min read
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