top of page
The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Primates Announce ‘Planet of the Apes’ Takeover: ‘We Only Held Back for Jane Goodall’
“We were going to do this back in the '60s, but then Jane Goodall traveled to Tanzania and saved your parasitic asses,” said Banjo, a chimp representing Rwanda.
Mackenzie Moore
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Wendy’s CEO salary reduced to 10 cents due to low market demand
Unfortunately for CEO Kirk Tanner, Wendy's is not Coachella and he is not Beyoncé.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 28, 20242 min read
Wine with strong notes of manure, rotten fish wins top prize
"Upon first sniff, I was instantly transported to being a little fly at a sprawling cattle ranch — pure ecstasy," said judge Ian Rutherford.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 20, 20242 min read
Biden returns to Oval Office for first time since killing, eating man
"I saw an empty fire extinguisher and just started wailing on the guy like he was a piñata full of Tootsie Rolls," said Biden.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 15, 20242 min read
Report: 78% of heart-shaped pizzas eaten alone in dark
"Valentine's Day is supposed to be about love, so I don't see why it can't be about self-love too," said Altadena's Maria Schaffer.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 14, 20243 min read
Historical records show Jesus had $300 million annual marketing budget
Newly discovered historical records show that the son of God had what now equates to a $250 million annual marketing budget.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 13, 20242 min read
Increased police presence on Sesame Street due to bomb threat
Police believe the threat was made by Larry David after the caller complained about how annoying the traffic would be on the way.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 6, 20242 min read
Study finds strong correlation between eating can of soup in two separate servings and being a psychopath
It's ultimately a significant help when trying to determine if someone is a Jeffrey Dahmer-style asshole or just the garden variety.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 1, 20242 min read
Solo cups to be $20 each in effort to compete with Stanley
"Customers can rest assured that increased price does not mean increased quality," said CEO Robert Korzenski.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 25, 20242 min read
Ron DeSantis spending newfound free time practicing human smile in bathroom mirror
"I follow the instructions to 'If You're Happy and You Know It' to the letter 60 times per day," said DeSantis.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 22, 20242 min read
Joe Gow to replace Jay Rothman as president of Universities of Wisconsin: 'Wisconsin education needs an attentive lover'
"Sure, I'm not a generous lover. Heck, I'm not big on loving in the first place — I don't take 'no' for an answer," said Rothman.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 28, 20232 min read
Giuliani sells decades-old prized dead bug collection after filing for bankruptcy following defamation suit
"This was my first," said Giuliani, wiping away a brown tear as he picked up a cockroach from the 1960s.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 21, 20232 min read
Starbucks to combat 'war on Christmas' complaints with new fetus flavor
"This is as close as I'll ever come to tasting baby Jesus, and gosh is he sweet," said Minnesota mom Pam Salders.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 19, 20232 min read
Comprehensive list of people worse off following death of Henry Kissinger
-------------------------- Photo courtesy of U.S. Department of State via public domain
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 30, 20231 min read
Ron Johnson on not speaking up about Madison Nazi march: 'I want to be reelected'
"There's all of this conversation these days — 'Nazis are bad,' 'We need to do something about the Nazis.' My question is, what about me?"
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 21, 20233 min read
George Santos 'looking forward' to going back to old life as astronaut, surgeon
Note: This interview has been thoroughly fact checked.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 20, 20233 min read
Trump explains why he valued old, rotting treehouse at $100 million
"I have fond memories of my nanny carrying me up that tree from the ages of five to 15," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 8, 20232 min read
Trump forced to sell beloved golden toilet in order to pay legal fees
“I was hiding on that thing in the bathroom during all of it," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 25, 20232 min read
Taylor Swift elected Speaker of the House
"What she lacks in political experience is made up for by her lack of political experience," said Rep. Ralph Norman.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 15, 20232 min read
'Mein Kampf' to be only book allowed in school libraries
"This country would be an awful lot better if people accepted the good word into their hearts," said Welles.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 7, 20232 min read
Teachers unions to strike unless given right to smack one kid per quarter
With major strikes happening across the country, many teachers are calling for a strike of their own. While most would assume they would...
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 3, 20232 min read
bottom of page