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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Lauren Boebert apologizes for smoking crack on Disney World teacup ride
"Yes, I rubbed one out and smoked crack around children in two separate instances. A good president would've done both at once."
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 17, 20232 min read
$1 billion Powerball winner to trade ticket for five years of health insurance
"Sure, $1 billion is a lot of money. I also used to think that $10 was a lot of money, and now it won't buy me a pastrami sandwich."
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 21, 20233 min read
Wisconsin glad air finally clean enough to breathe in fresh, hot manure
Wisconsinites can now breathe in the good shit — literally.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 2, 20233 min read
Biden, McCarthy to throw joint pizza party in exchange for debt ceiling deal votes
"These cats are tricky, but you and I both know that cats love pepperoni," stated Biden on Sunday morning.
Mackenzie Moore
May 28, 20232 min read
Disney princesses criticized for 'showing too much ankle'
Days after not receiving a response, protestors took to the streets.
Mackenzie Moore
May 27, 20232 min read
Studio execs consider WGA demands after AI fails to write personalized anniversary, birthday cards
Up until now, executives have not blinked at the idea of cutting writers in favor of low cost and even lower quality AI generated scripts.
Mackenzie Moore
May 9, 20232 min read
Local businesses torn down to make room for new tent city
"This spot really has it all. Busy road, air pollution, little to no access to running water — way better than the last place."
Mackenzie Moore
May 1, 20232 min read
Surgeon receives OWI after cracking beers in operating room
"I mean come on — I'm not driving a car, I'm doing brain surgery. It's not rocket science," said Dr. Fowley.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 24, 20233 min read
Easter Bunny announces egg gifting cutbacks
"It's always been about the eggs. It will always be about the eggs," said the Easter Bunny.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 5, 20232 min read
Twitter to release feature allowing users to delete other people's tweets
However, users will not be able to delete tweets "just because they're threatening, offensive or the best of both worlds," said Musk.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 27, 20232 min read
How to tell if the tapeworm inside your body is safe to keep as a pet
Like all pets, tapeworms can be overwhelming. Here's how to know if you're dealing with man's best friend or a total parasite.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 22, 20232 min read
Girl Scouts introduce tuna melt flavored cookie
“The box is sort of a milky puke brown,” said Girl Scouts of the USA CEO Bonnie Barczykowski.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 6, 20232 min read
Marjorie Taylor Greene introduces bill to outlaw menus without pictures of food
"Just show me a picture of a taco and I will point it out to you,” stated Rep. Greene.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 1, 20232 min read
Ex-officers charged in Tyre Nichols’ death plead not guilty: ‘It was just a routine traffic stop’
The officers missed the memo that they were supposed to decrease the crime rate, not contribute to it or “try to break the record.”
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 17, 20232 min read
United States government to crack down on school shootings by banning schools
“There have been over 360 school shootings since Columbine, and believe me when I say that I now find this unacceptable,” said Sen. Cruz.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 16, 20233 min read
Rep. Gaetz avoids sex trafficking charges after DOJ confirms that none of the victims had abortions
"Given that there’s no fetuses involved and Gaetz appears to be in good spirits, all bases have been covered and the case is closed.”
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 15, 20232 min read
Study finds majority of Valentine’s Day candy purchased by people trying to ‘be their own Valentine’
“I’m sorry, but could you please leave me alone?” said a woman scoping out the fancier section of the Walgreens candy aisle.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 14, 20232 min read
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