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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Disney princesses criticized for 'showing too much ankle'
Days after not receiving a response, protestors took to the streets.
Mackenzie Moore
May 27, 20232 min read
Intrusive Thought Victory: This guy bit his dentist's hand as hard as he could
"I didn't wanna do it, but I definitely did," said Broderick.
Mackenzie Moore
May 26, 20232 min read
Hardworking woman requests meal train to recover from difficult period of cooking own food
"This is a time where I would really appreciate my community rallying around me," said Bennett.
Mackenzie Moore
May 24, 20233 min read
Woman dies after holding door open for consistent stream of people for six days
Neese held the door open for the person behind her, only to never find the right time to step away from her purely self-assigned duty.
Mackenzie Moore
May 17, 20232 min read
Studio execs consider WGA demands after AI fails to write personalized anniversary, birthday cards
Up until now, executives have not blinked at the idea of cutting writers in favor of low cost and even lower quality AI generated scripts.
Mackenzie Moore
May 9, 20232 min read
Man's strongly held political beliefs based on articles he's never read
"I don't need to read the article. I'm not stupid — I know what it says," said the "School of Hard Knocks" graduate.
Mackenzie Moore
May 2, 20232 min read
Local businesses torn down to make room for new tent city
"This spot really has it all. Busy road, air pollution, little to no access to running water — way better than the last place."
Mackenzie Moore
May 1, 20232 min read
Surgeon receives OWI after cracking beers in operating room
"I mean come on — I'm not driving a car, I'm doing brain surgery. It's not rocket science," said Dr. Fowley.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 24, 20233 min read
State of Wisconsin collectively agrees to pretend it's summer
"I already put all of my jeans into storage for the year. It's flip flop time, baby," concluded Monroe's Dave Wincher.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 17, 20232 min read
Wisconsin mourns end of peak season in which eating fried fish considered healthy
"If I hadn't taken my family out for fish every week of March, I would've missed my four-year-old's first old fashioned."
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 10, 20232 min read
Easter Bunny announces egg gifting cutbacks
"It's always been about the eggs. It will always be about the eggs," said the Easter Bunny.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 5, 20232 min read
Five food mascots even sexier than the green M&M
Tony the Tiger is stepdaddy material.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 3, 20232 min read
Twitter to release feature allowing users to delete other people's tweets
However, users will not be able to delete tweets "just because they're threatening, offensive or the best of both worlds," said Musk.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 27, 20232 min read
Local dog wondering why nobody ever takes him bowling
"How many 'Air Bud' movies have there been? They even shot one in space, but nobody ever thought to take the dog bowling," said Squink.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 24, 20232 min read
How to tell if the tapeworm inside your body is safe to keep as a pet
Like all pets, tapeworms can be overwhelming. Here's how to know if you're dealing with man's best friend or a total parasite.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 22, 20232 min read
TCU kicked out of March Madness after shooting blood at Gonzaga players through eyes
Down late in the second half, survival instincts kicked in for the Horned Frogs.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 20, 20232 min read
Old beer finally green enough to drink
“If you’re 40 and just opened a bar, you better hope you’ve been stashing away beer since you were three,” stated O’Sullivan.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 17, 20233 min read
Packer fans’ cheese eating session more emotionally charged today
“I ate a block of sharp cheddar like it was a candy bar, but not in the fun way I’m used to,” said Packers owner Greg Kilovsky.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 15, 20232 min read
Guy at Oscar party just pretending to know the rules
“Most of the time I watch a movie, it’s because I was flipping through channels and ended up settling on TBS.”
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 13, 20233 min read
Penance given by priest a little steep
“Am I allowed to confess to another priest to see if their penalty works better for me first?”
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 10, 20233 min read
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