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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Aging couple just wants to live long enough to become burden to children
“That way, we’d have more time with the grandchildren,” said Mrs. McKinney, referring to her zero grandkids.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 8, 20233 min read
Girl Scouts introduce tuna melt flavored cookie
“The box is sort of a milky puke brown,” said Girl Scouts of the USA CEO Bonnie Barczykowski.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 6, 20232 min read
Black coffee snob could actually use less bitterness
"Hiking is for people who can’t afford a gym membership and I don’t watch sunsets because the colors aren’t masculine,” explained Bohauser.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 3, 20233 min read
Marjorie Taylor Greene introduces bill to outlaw menus without pictures of food
"Just show me a picture of a taco and I will point it out to you,” stated Rep. Greene.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 1, 20232 min read
Rain makes area woman nostalgic for time she used to shower
“Why would I shower, because I got sweaty? I don’t think I’ve gone beyond a brisk walk since 10th grade,” said Stetson prior to the rainfall
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 27, 20232 min read
Purchasing new condiment highlight of young adult’s week
It takes very little effort to turn a bowl of rice and beans into a bowl of rice and beans with Frank’s Red Hot in it.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 24, 20233 min read
J.K. Rowling: ‘11 is too young to decide if one wants to become a wizard’
“Part of me thinks he would’ve been better off remaining a lonely orphan living in a closet under the stairs,” said Rowling.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 22, 20232 min read
Cubicle worker brings slow cooker full of raw salmon to avoid heating fish in shared microwave
“I’m on the Mediterranean diet, which if you don’t know, means that you can only eat fish or else you’ll be enlisted in the Navy."
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 20, 20232 min read
Ex-officers charged in Tyre Nichols’ death plead not guilty: ‘It was just a routine traffic stop’
The officers missed the memo that they were supposed to decrease the crime rate, not contribute to it or “try to break the record.”
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 17, 20232 min read
United States government to crack down on school shootings by banning schools
“There have been over 360 school shootings since Columbine, and believe me when I say that I now find this unacceptable,” said Sen. Cruz.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 16, 20233 min read
Rep. Gaetz avoids sex trafficking charges after DOJ confirms that none of the victims had abortions
"Given that there’s no fetuses involved and Gaetz appears to be in good spirits, all bases have been covered and the case is closed.”
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 15, 20232 min read
Study finds majority of Valentine’s Day candy purchased by people trying to ‘be their own Valentine’
“I’m sorry, but could you please leave me alone?” said a woman scoping out the fancier section of the Walgreens candy aisle.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 14, 20232 min read
Report: Philadelphia Eagles considered putting Gritty in during final play of Super Bowl LVII
"Yes, there were only a few seconds left in the entire game, but plenty of men have been murdered in far less time," noted Coach Sirianni.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 13, 20233 min read
Surveillance balloon discovered floating over Andy Reid’s house
The sighting comes before arguably the biggest day in American sports —second to Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 11, 20232 min read
Cold winter weather ‘not so bad once hypothermia sets in,’ says Midwestern man
“Sure, 10 below zero feels a little chilly at first. But once you’re sitting out there for a while, you can just feel your body adjust."
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 2, 20232 min read
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