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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Primates Announce ‘Planet of the Apes’ Takeover: ‘We Only Held Back for Jane Goodall’
“We were going to do this back in the '60s, but then Jane Goodall traveled to Tanzania and saved your parasitic asses,” said Banjo, a chimp representing Rwanda.
Mackenzie Moore
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Man insists on carnivore diet in pursuit of gaining strength to eat vegetable
"Sure — I may need a triple bypass for my heart, but that’s A-OK in the name of bypassing the mental block in my brain," said Hollis.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 30, 20252 min read
Trump orders avian flu-stricken hens be fed chicken noodle soup in effort to lower egg prices
"Even if the hens know they’re eating chicken, why would they care? It’s not like they knew those roosters personally," explained Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 24, 20252 min read
Study finds massive reduction in firearm-related child deaths when kids safely locked away in cabinet
“There’s really no reason for children to be out when not in use, so we suggest that the tots be stowed away until needed,” said Lovell.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 23, 20252 min read
Trump refuses to exit bathroom as ‘Gulf of America’ continuously deadnamed
"God, it makes me want to pardon a warlord," muttered Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 22, 20252 min read
Confirmation hearings, Mr. Baseball, and Conan's quaff
The Desk 1/16/25
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 16, 20252 min read
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 9, 20252 min read
Siri slips into alcoholism: ‘I’ve heard too much’
"It's all Dude Wipes and deviants. I know you’re cheating on your husband, Linda!” burped Siri.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 3, 20252 min read
Man’s New Year’s resolution to stop kidding self, give up
“People say ‘shoot for the moon and land among the stars,’ but I’d argue that you’re suffocating out there either way," said Wittker.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 2, 20251 min read
Couple debating which family to complain about visiting over holidays
"Remember when your mom learned Photoshop just to cut me out of the picture you sent for the Christmas card?” asked girlfriend Jane Vye.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 18, 20242 min read
Parents relieved to see mall Santa only appropriate level of happy to be there
"I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t mentally preparing to punch Kris Kringle in the trachea on the drive over," said the father.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 16, 20242 min read
YouTube TV ups cost to four jars of blood per month
"Knowing how much money I’m saving helps me sleep better at night. I collapse as soon as I fill the last jar!" said one subscriber.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 13, 20242 min read
McDonald’s employee who snitched on alleged UnitedHealthcare CEO shooter revealed to be Ronald McDonald
"We didn’t expect the result to be so on the nose — a squishy red one, to be exact,” said an anonymous online investigator.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 10, 20242 min read
Swifties scrambling to decipher Easter egg after Taylor Swift spotted eating bologna sandwich
“The sandwich has lettuce and tomato on it. Am I the only one who doesn’t think that’s a coincidence?” questioned user loverlass22.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 9, 20242 min read
Raw milk devotees gather to eat uncooked chicken, ‘stick it to the man’
"I dare anyone to come and take it," said Dan Allen, referring to the raw chicken tightly gripped in his hand for who knows how long.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 5, 20242 min read
Cyber Monday, steamed hotdish, and airdropping turkeys
The Desk 12/2/24
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 2, 20242 min read
Jerry Jones to ban seating, hydration from Dallas Cowboys sideline
"While the other team is rehydrating, we're curing like a fine-tuned jerky," said Jones, likely basing the idea on his own skincare routine.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 12, 20242 min read
Veteran acknowledges choice to serve primarily based on annual free meal at Applebee's
"Defending democracy is all well and good, but truth be told, my heart was really in it for the Applebee's," said the Afghanistan veteran.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 11, 20242 min read
Raygun announces retirement from breakdancing after being offered spot in Trump's cabinet
"The way she hops like a kangaroo — it's like nothing I've ever seen before," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 7, 20242 min read
Research finds presidential election 80% more likely to not go your way if you stop watching coverage
"Yeah, voting's important, but staying glued to the TV is what really counts," said political rhetoric professor Gretchen Lyons.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 5, 20242 min read
Report: Vladimir Putin traveling across United States with suitcase full of disguises in effort to vote illegally throughout country
"I love peaches, don't you? I mean, wow. So fuzzy. Can I borrow your name and address?" said Putin to a voter waiting behind him in Georgia.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 5, 20242 min read
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