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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump refuses to exit bathroom as ‘Gulf of America’ continuously deadnamed
"God, it makes me want to pardon a warlord," muttered Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 222 min read
Confirmation hearings, Mr. Baseball, and Conan's quaff
The Desk 1/16/25
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 162 min read
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 92 min read
Siri slips into alcoholism: ‘I’ve heard too much’
"It's all Dude Wipes and deviants. I know you’re cheating on your husband, Linda!” burped Siri.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 32 min read
Man’s New Year’s resolution to stop kidding self, give up
“People say ‘shoot for the moon and land among the stars,’ but I’d argue that you’re suffocating out there either way," said Wittker.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 21 min read
Couple debating which family to complain about visiting over holidays
"Remember when your mom learned Photoshop just to cut me out of the picture you sent for the Christmas card?” asked girlfriend Jane Vye.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 18, 20242 min read
Parents relieved to see mall Santa only appropriate level of happy to be there
"I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t mentally preparing to punch Kris Kringle in the trachea on the drive over," said the father.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 16, 20242 min read
YouTube TV ups cost to four jars of blood per month
"Knowing how much money I’m saving helps me sleep better at night. I collapse as soon as I fill the last jar!" said one subscriber.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 13, 20242 min read
McDonald’s employee who snitched on alleged UnitedHealthcare CEO shooter revealed to be Ronald McDonald
"We didn’t expect the result to be so on the nose — a squishy red one, to be exact,” said an anonymous online investigator.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 10, 20242 min read
Swifties scrambling to decipher Easter egg after Taylor Swift spotted eating bologna sandwich
“The sandwich has lettuce and tomato on it. Am I the only one who doesn’t think that’s a coincidence?” questioned user loverlass22.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 9, 20242 min read
Raw milk devotees gather to eat uncooked chicken, ‘stick it to the man’
"I dare anyone to come and take it," said Dan Allen, referring to the raw chicken tightly gripped in his hand for who knows how long.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 5, 20242 min read
Cyber Monday, steamed hotdish, and airdropping turkeys
The Desk 12/2/24
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 2, 20242 min read
Jerry Jones to ban seating, hydration from Dallas Cowboys sideline
"While the other team is rehydrating, we're curing like a fine-tuned jerky," said Jones, likely basing the idea on his own skincare routine.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 12, 20242 min read
Veteran acknowledges choice to serve primarily based on annual free meal at Applebee's
"Defending democracy is all well and good, but truth be told, my heart was really in it for the Applebee's," said the Afghanistan veteran.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 11, 20242 min read
Raygun announces retirement from breakdancing after being offered spot in Trump's cabinet
"The way she hops like a kangaroo — it's like nothing I've ever seen before," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 7, 20242 min read
Research finds presidential election 80% more likely to not go your way if you stop watching coverage
"Yeah, voting's important, but staying glued to the TV is what really counts," said political rhetoric professor Gretchen Lyons.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 5, 20242 min read
Report: Vladimir Putin traveling across United States with suitcase full of disguises in effort to vote illegally throughout country
"I love peaches, don't you? I mean, wow. So fuzzy. Can I borrow your name and address?" said Putin to a voter waiting behind him in Georgia.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 5, 20242 min read
Gov. Tim Walz caught red-handed coping with Election Day stress by cooking entire potluck dinner at 1 a.m.
"This is what I do, Gwen. Now you can help me shred this block of cheddar or you can go back to bed," said Walz to his concerned wife.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 5, 20242 min read
The Desk: Election Day 2024 edition
The Desk 11/5/24
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 5, 20242 min read
Report: President Biden to spend Election Day in recliner eating pints of ice cream, 'giddily' kicking feet under blanket
"Come 6 a.m., you'll find me kicking back and cozied up to a cold one," said Biden, referring to a pint of Chunky Monkey.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 4, 20242 min read
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