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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Young adult to receive Halloween scare by paying rent
"It's not so bad. I get paid in two weeks," said the 23-year-old before opening his pantry to find expired beans and stale saltine crackers.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 31, 20242 min read
Elon Musk reconsidering Trump endorsement after candidate neglects to watch him do 'sick' cannonball
"I'm watching, I'm watching," said Trump before turning his attention back to his phone immediately after Musk leapt overboard.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 24, 20242 min read
Employer health insurance plan only covers doctor wearing dirty smock in dimly-lit shack
"My doc may use rusty needles, but heck — he finds a vein on the first try every time. That oughta count for something," said one employee.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 14, 20242 min read
Chicken-induced heart attacks, NFL locker room privacy, and morally upstanding porn actors
The Desk 10/7/24
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 7, 20242 min read
Facebook mom distraught after neglecting to make new post for third 'National Sons Day' of the year
"Do I acknowledge that I know I'm a bit late, or do I just shoot it out there and hope nobody notices?" debated the mother of two.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 3, 20242 min read
Reincarnation confirmed by study on 'exorbitant' number of bug vs. automobile suicides
Scientists say they will now focus on teaching flying insects how to masturbate and hold their liquor in order to improve quality of life.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 2, 20242 min read
Jimmy Carter looking forward to spending birthday with 'most beloved' family and friends after being gifted Ouija board
"Ah, shit. What's Brezhnev doing here?" questioned Carter of the deceased Soviet Union Communist Party leader.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 1, 20243 min read
Jimmy Carter attributes reaching 100 to 'guts, peanuts, and plenty of smut'
"I'd go and trade those peanuts in for a nudie mag down at the five and dime," reminisced the former president.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 1, 20242 min read
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 30, 20242 min read
Times Square Elmo 'seriously' weighing potential mayoral run following Eric Adams indictment
Elmo's platform would include defunding the NYPD in order to turn all duties over to 'trusted ally' Super Grover.
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 27, 20242 min read
Report: Neighbor only mowing lawn at 6:30 a.m. to justify breakfast beer
"Nothing better than a cold beer while working hard with the sun beating down on ya," said Boyer far too early for heat to be an issue.
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 18, 20242 min read
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 17, 20242 min read
Trump doubles down on debate: 'Having a plan is for nerds, losers'
"Having a plan without being elected president first? That's like knowing how to run a business before being named CEO," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 11, 20242 min read
Gallagher brothers on Oasis reunion: 'Looking forward to fresh, exciting new arguments'
"At this point, there's no interest in debating who punched what or whether or not a hangover is the same as laryngitis," explained Liam.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 27, 20242 min read
Death row, the Taliban, and the Dallas Cowboys
The Desk 8/26/24
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 26, 20242 min read
Rifle forces owner to enter couples therapy due to co-dependency
"I feel like you're using me as arm candy instead of cherishing my true purpose," shared the MCX-SPEAR rifle.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 15, 20242 min read
Meth celery, spine cracking, and the best Dutch man to bully
The Desk 8/14/24
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 14, 20241 min read
Biden calls punching Helen Keller early in political career ‘an honest mistake’
"Helen and I hashed it out and now we’re ready to play some ball,” assured the president of the United States.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 13, 20241 min read
NASCAR announces Machu Picchu street race
"Come next summer, it will be impossible to bring up the Inca Empire without mentioning NASCAR’s undeniable impact," said CEO Jim France.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 12, 20242 min read
JD Vance on birth control policies: 'I'm a staunch supporter of the pull out couch method'
"Fact is, who needs condoms or pills when you could just get some latex gloves and make a quick stop at IKEA?" said Trump's running mate.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 7, 20242 min read
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