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Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin

"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.

Mackenzie Moore

Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'

“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.

Mackenzie Moore

Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States

“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.

Mackenzie Moore

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The Desk

March Madness, happiness, and pig kidneys

The Desk 3/22/24

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 22, 20242 min read

Employee fired after losing office March Madness bracket competition in first round

"Unfortunately, she doesn't know jack about hoops," said Ingles' boss.

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 21, 20242 min read

Chicagoan insisting ketchup doesn't belong on hot dogs also has strong opinions on chicken nuggets, PB&J sandwiches

"I will never, ever, ever put ketchup on a hot dog — that's for little babies," said the kindergartner.

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 19, 20242 min read

Man wearing 'Kiss me, I'm Irish' t-shirt really just alcoholic in need of hug

"Oh, I'm alright — don't worry about me," said Mahoney, five beers deep 30 minutes after arriving to O'Shaugnessy's Irish Pub.

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 15, 20242 min read

NBA to begin awarding four points for tackling

"This is completely wrong. I'm being targeted," said currently injured 76ers star Joel Embiid.

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 14, 20242 min read

TikTok, the Titanic, and marijuana-eating rats

The Desk 3/13/24

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 13, 20242 min read

Mike Tyson, State of the Union address, and aliens

The Desk 3/8/24

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 8, 20242 min read

Biden to use State of the Union address to summarize entire 'The Lord of the Rings' series

The president will have roughly an hour to summarize about 12 hours of screen time, complete with impressions.

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 7, 20242 min read

Close call: Facebook restored just before uncle gets news from news source

"I don't trust anyone who can't get all their thoughts out in 30 words or less," said Zeiber.

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 5, 20242 min read

Jason Kelce retires, immediately throws all clothing in bonfire

The Super Bowl champion notably did not set any of his underwear ablaze, most likely because he did not own any to begin with.

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 4, 20242 min read

Oprah, McConnell, and 34,000 Big Macs

The Desk 3/1/24

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 1, 20241 min read

Children at Chuck E. Cheese traumatized by adult Leap Day birthday parties

"Some of the really tall boys are even peeing in corners like their parents haven't taught them to use the potty yet."

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 29, 20243 min read

Wendy’s CEO salary reduced to 10 cents due to low market demand

Unfortunately for CEO Kirk Tanner, Wendy's is not Coachella and he is not Beyoncé.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 28, 20242 min read

Girl Scouts, Russian Olympians, and Alabama

The Russian Olympic Committee has lost its appeal against the suspension put in place by the International Olympic Committee, meaning...

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 23, 20242 min read

Generous landlord agrees not to raise rent in exchange for ripping out plumbing, electricity

The landlord isn't completely sure what he'll do with his increasingly warehouse-sized stockpile, but a "pay to play" scenario is likely.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 22, 20242 min read

Healing crystal collection primarily gravel, glass found in parking lots

Sometimes, new pieces find Sheila Humphrey when she least expects it.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 21, 20242 min read

Wine with strong notes of manure, rotten fish wins top prize

"Upon first sniff, I was instantly transported to being a little fly at a sprawling cattle ranch — pure ecstasy," said judge Ian Rutherford.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 20, 20242 min read

Restaurant with ‘World Famous’ sign internationally known for being awful

The Wooster, Ohio Italian joint has been in business since 1997.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 19, 20243 min read

Paul McCartney, Swedish murderers, and cornhole

After teasing a third party run, Sen. Joe Manchin has announced he won't be running for president after all. "Oh no! Well, anyway..."...

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 16, 20242 min read

Biden returns to Oval Office for first time since killing, eating man

"I saw an empty fire extinguisher and just started wailing on the guy like he was a piñata full of Tootsie Rolls," said Biden.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 15, 20242 min read