Blog | The Slug Report

News

Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin

"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.

Mackenzie Moore

Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'

“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.

Mackenzie Moore

Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States

“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.

Mackenzie Moore

All Posts
Local
News
Sports
Entertainment
The Desk

Catty politicians, Parisian bedbugs, and the Nobel Prize

Rep. Matt Gaetz filed a motion this evening to strip House Speaker Kevin McCarthy from his position. It'll be tough to make happen, but...

Mackenzie Moore

Oct 2, 20232 min read

Future Republican debates to be moderated by those windy dancing car dealership thingies

"If the moderators can't be people, can they at least be women?" said Vivek Ramaswamy to great applause from his supporter.

Mackenzie Moore

Sep 29, 20232 min read

Taylor Swift, government shutdowns, and eating grass

President Biden appeared at the United Auto Workers strike today, saying he supports them getting a raise and to "stick with it." Soon...

Mackenzie Moore

Sep 26, 20232 min read

Report: WGA agreement includes ‘heaps and heaps’ of cocaine

"Homeless is fine, but sober is a no-go," said Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav.

Mackenzie Moore

Sep 25, 20232 min read

Nebraskan abortions, Powerball, and Michael Caine

A $70 million Powerball winner spoke out about the difficulty of retaining relationships due to winners' lack of anonymity. She should...

Mackenzie Moore

Sep 22, 20231 min read

Bob Ross, Kraft Singles, and the death penalty

Sen. John Fetterman said today "If those jagoffs in the House stop trying to shut our government down and fully support Ukraine, I will...

Mackenzie Moore

Sep 20, 20231 min read

Lauren Boebert apologizes for smoking crack on Disney World teacup ride

"Yes, I rubbed one out and smoked crack around children in two separate instances. A good president would've done both at once."

Mackenzie Moore

Sep 17, 20232 min read

Pardons, Belgian STDs, and violent children

In an appearance on Meet the Press, former president Donald Trump said he could've pardoned himself while in office, but "had no...

Mackenzie Moore

Sep 15, 20232 min read

Middle schooler unimpressed with quality of liquor in teacher's coffee

Does a child have wildly extravagant taste, or does Schubert simply buy bottom shelf booze? The answer: both.

Mackenzie Moore

Sep 14, 20232 min read

"Going to Chicago is just asking to be shot," says man who insists on carrying gun at all times

"Windy City? Good luck avoiding a stray bullet," said Babson.

Mackenzie Moore

Sep 3, 20232 min read

Fetus named top college football recruit of 2041

"We're just excited to get this guy viable outside of the womb and onto the gridiron," said Coach Fickell.

Mackenzie Moore

Aug 19, 20232 min read

How to set boundaries with people when they ask what you did today

At a certain point, people stop asking about things they don't want to hear.

Mackenzie Moore

Aug 4, 20232 min read

$1 billion Powerball winner to trade ticket for five years of health insurance

"Sure, $1 billion is a lot of money. I also used to think that $10 was a lot of money, and now it won't buy me a pastrami sandwich."

Mackenzie Moore

Jul 21, 20233 min read

Home of the Brave: Man's outfit just tight American flag underwear

Hell yeah.

Mackenzie Moore

Jul 4, 20232 min read

Fireworks to be replaced by livestream of old man eating soup

For a holiday marked by missing fingers and Old Navy sales, there's no need to get too high tech.

Mackenzie Moore

Jul 3, 20233 min read

Wisconsin glad air finally clean enough to breathe in fresh, hot manure

Wisconsinites can now breathe in the good shit — literally.

Mackenzie Moore

Jul 2, 20233 min read

Beautiful day really getting in way of planned wallowing

"Had to go have coffee on my porch and take it all in. Absolute bullshit."

Mackenzie Moore

Jun 19, 20232 min read

Sidewalk finally hot enough to cook steak on

"I've ordered steak in a restaurant. You don't get that dirty, raw taste from anything you can get at an Outback Steakhouse," said Higsby.

Mackenzie Moore

Jun 6, 20232 min read

Anti-Pride protester locks self in dark room for month to avoid seeing colors of the rainbow

The Slug Report caught up with Scott Larson just before he entered his 30 days and 30 nights of complete boredom and utter uselessness.

Mackenzie Moore

Jun 1, 20232 min read

Biden, McCarthy to throw joint pizza party in exchange for debt ceiling deal votes

"These cats are tricky, but you and I both know that cats love pepperoni," stated Biden on Sunday morning.

Mackenzie Moore

May 28, 20232 min read