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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Jerry Jones to ban seating, hydration from Dallas Cowboys sideline
"While the other team is rehydrating, we're curing like a fine-tuned jerky," said Jones, likely basing the idea on his own skincare routine.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 12, 20242 min read
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Death row, the Taliban, and the Dallas Cowboys
The Desk 8/26/24
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 26, 20242 min read
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Jerry Jones to challenge Dak Prescott for Dallas Cowboys' starting quarterback spot
After 35 years of sitting up in the box, I think it's about dang time I touch some grass," said Jones.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 15, 20242 min read
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