Lindsey Graham’s Funeral Includes Separate Roommate Section

Late Sen. Lindsey Graham’s funeral services are taking place in the nation’s capital today, with many high-profile heads of state among the attendees. However, there is reportedly a more unique group of invited guests — a gaggle of the conservative politician’s former roommates, peculiarly cordoned off in their own section far from other mourners. 

“Gosh, I hadn’t seen him since we shared a dorm at the University of South Carolina! I’ll tell ya, he was quite the devil back then too,” chuckled 71-year-old Gary Hall. “Except it was less pro-bombing and anti-autonomy, more pro-tickling and anti-me shaving my chest hair.” 

Roped off a measured 40 feet from the rest of the seating, the area of over a dozen men from ages 38 to 85 included those who lived with Graham right up until 2017, when his Craigslist ad ran fruitless save for a swath of foreign bots. 

“Oh, we got into our share of scuffles, but we always kissed and made up like all good roomies do,” said Washington, D.C. resident and last known bunkmate Ernest Owens. “It was just like him and Trump, really. One of us could spend years calling the other a ‘jackass,’ an ‘idiot,’ even ‘one of the dumbest human beings I’ve ever seen.’ But one golf match later — or in our case, a friendly little tussle on the floor — it was all sunshine and rainbows.” 

When asked why her brother’s roommates were kept in an area which made it impossible to hear, speak to, or in any way interact with other funeral guests, junior Sen. Darline Graham stated it was purely to avoid comments being spread about the flower arrangements or the deceased senator’s cakey-looking makeup. 

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Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore via CC BY-SA 3.0