Mitch McConnell Reaching Across Aisle For Uppies

Sitting inside the United States Senate chamber as he has for the past four decades, Sen. Mitch McConnell made the uncommon decision to reach across the aisle—not to form a bipartisan agreement, but to physically indicate to his colleagues a desire to be picked up. 

“Ah jeez, he’s doing that thing again,” sighed Minnesota senator Amy Klobuchar as McConnell extended his arms in her direction, opening and closing his hands while staring unblinkingly. “I’m sorry, but I really don’t want to pick him up today. Last time he yanked on my earring until I could pry him off.” 

Intermittently selecting a new target, evidence points to his attention being grabbed most commonly by sparkly jewelry, bright colors, and anyone his reportedly rapidly decaying eyes and ears mistake for 1940s movie star Humphrey Bogart. 

“I don’t like how he’s smiling at me, not one bit,” murmured Sen. Chuck Schumer, silently thanking his lucky stars he’s still a young buck of 75 years. “We used to fight like Tasmanian devils, now Mitch looks like Tweety Bird’s great grandpa flew into a window. I think he wants me to take him home in a shoebox lined with paper towels and feed him sunflower seeds.” 

Gazing up at each passerby with arms wide open as the Senate adjourned, McConnell was granted his wish when medical staff were prompted to carry him off the scene after the senior Kentucky senator is believed to have become “peckish” and decided to swallow his lapel pin. 

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Photo courtesy of Allison Robberts via AP Photo