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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
McDonald’s employee who snitched on alleged UnitedHealthcare CEO shooter revealed to be Ronald McDonald
"We didn’t expect the result to be so on the nose — a squishy red one, to be exact,” said an anonymous online investigator.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 10, 20242 min read
Employer health insurance plan only covers doctor wearing dirty smock in dimly-lit shack
"My doc may use rusty needles, but heck — he finds a vein on the first try every time. That oughta count for something," said one employee.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 14, 20242 min read
Old Navy introduces junior maternity clothing line for Fourth of July sale
The line is the first of its kind to cater to those between the ages of 10-15.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 4, 20242 min read
Intrusive Thought Victory: This guy bit his dentist's hand as hard as he could
"I didn't wanna do it, but I definitely did," said Broderick.
Mackenzie Moore
May 26, 20232 min read
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