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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Lindsey Graham’s Funeral Includes Separate Roommate Section
"He was quite the devil back then too,” chuckled 71-year-old Gary Hall. “Except it was less pro-bombing and anti-autonomy, more pro-tickling and anti-me shaving my chest hair.”
Mackenzie Moore
Primates Announce ‘Planet of the Apes’ Takeover: ‘We Only Held Back for Jane Goodall’
“We were going to do this back in the '60s, but then Jane Goodall traveled to Tanzania and saved your parasitic asses,” said Banjo, a chimp representing Rwanda.
Mackenzie Moore
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Young adult to receive Halloween scare by paying rent
"It's not so bad. I get paid in two weeks," said the 23-year-old before opening his pantry to find expired beans and stale saltine crackers.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 31, 20242 min read
Generous landlord agrees not to raise rent in exchange for ripping out plumbing, electricity
The landlord isn't completely sure what he'll do with his increasingly warehouse-sized stockpile, but a "pay to play" scenario is likely.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 22, 20242 min read
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