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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Jimmy Carter announces entry into 2024 presidential race: 'It's the right time'
At 99 years old, the longtime hospice patient's energy and mental faculties greatly outmatch those of his opponents.
Mackenzie Moore
May 31, 20242 min read
Biden returns to Oval Office for first time since killing, eating man
"I saw an empty fire extinguisher and just started wailing on the guy like he was a piñata full of Tootsie Rolls," said Biden.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 15, 20242 min read
Ron DeSantis spending newfound free time practicing human smile in bathroom mirror
"I follow the instructions to 'If You're Happy and You Know It' to the letter 60 times per day," said DeSantis.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 22, 20242 min read
Trump forced to sell beloved golden toilet in order to pay legal fees
“I was hiding on that thing in the bathroom during all of it," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 25, 20232 min read
Lauren Boebert apologizes for smoking crack on Disney World teacup ride
"Yes, I rubbed one out and smoked crack around children in two separate instances. A good president would've done both at once."
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 17, 20232 min read
Biden, McCarthy to throw joint pizza party in exchange for debt ceiling deal votes
"These cats are tricky, but you and I both know that cats love pepperoni," stated Biden on Sunday morning.
Mackenzie Moore
May 28, 20232 min read
Man's strongly held political beliefs based on articles he's never read
"I don't need to read the article. I'm not stupid — I know what it says," said the "School of Hard Knocks" graduate.
Mackenzie Moore
May 2, 20232 min read
United States government to crack down on school shootings by banning schools
“There have been over 360 school shootings since Columbine, and believe me when I say that I now find this unacceptable,” said Sen. Cruz.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 16, 20233 min read
Rep. Gaetz avoids sex trafficking charges after DOJ confirms that none of the victims had abortions
"Given that there’s no fetuses involved and Gaetz appears to be in good spirits, all bases have been covered and the case is closed.”
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 15, 20232 min read
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