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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Rifle forces owner to enter couples therapy due to co-dependency
"I feel like you're using me as arm candy instead of cherishing my true purpose," shared the MCX-SPEAR rifle.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 15, 20242 min read
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Bucky Badger, Willie the Wildcat attend therapy together prior to matchup: 'For Becky'
"She wanted to eat Bec-key Lime Pie ice cream and drink glass after glass of milk. You're a cat — you're lactose intolerant!" said Bucky.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 10, 20233 min read
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