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Mitch McConnell Reaching Across Aisle For Uppies
“Ah jeez, he’s doing that thing again,” sighed Minnesota senator Amy Klobuchar as McConnell extended his arms in her direction, opening and closing his hands while staring unblinkingly.
Mackenzie Moore


Lindsey Graham’s Funeral Includes Separate Roommate Section
"He was quite the devil back then too,” chuckled 71-year-old Gary Hall. “Except it was less pro-bombing and anti-autonomy, more pro-tickling and anti-me shaving my chest hair.”
Mackenzie Moore


Primates Announce ‘Planet of the Apes’ Takeover: ‘We Only Held Back for Jane Goodall’
“We were going to do this back in the '60s, but then Jane Goodall traveled to Tanzania and saved your parasitic asses,” said Banjo, a chimp representing Rwanda.
Mackenzie Moore


Conversation hearts receive annual reminder of being most unloved candy
"Y’see how ‘Kiss me’ is printed on my body? That includes my ass,” said one conversation heart.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 14, 20252 min read


Report: 78% of heart-shaped pizzas eaten alone in dark
"Valentine's Day is supposed to be about love, so I don't see why it can't be about self-love too," said Altadena's Maria Schaffer.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 14, 20243 min read


Study finds majority of Valentine’s Day candy purchased by people trying to ‘be their own Valentine’
“I’m sorry, but could you please leave me alone?” said a woman scoping out the fancier section of the Walgreens candy aisle.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 14, 20232 min read
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