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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Walz returning to education as middle school lunchroom monitor in preparation for potential vice presidential debate
The newly-announced VP pick says he'd like to get used to debating those who are "cranky and unreasonable" due to underdeveloped brains.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 6, 20242 min read
Report: Smoke alarm just kind of winging it
"The fact is that I should've been replaced like 10 years ago. If I don't do good work, why would they keep me around?" reasoned the alarm.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 1, 20242 min read
Denial of the Day: 'Crossword maker wrong, not me'
"How did nobody catch this before it was published?" wondered Reading, PA resident Jenna Happ.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 30, 20242 min read
Celine Dion, Flava Flav, and the Olympic blunt
The Desk 7/29/24
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 29, 20242 min read
Kamala Harris, Slim Shady, and rolling out of moving taxis
The Desk 7/23/24
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 23, 20242 min read
Trump considering abandoning Black vote in exchange for angle on Harris
“Laughing Kamala. Really, Donald? You can do better. Where’s that signature sense of humor?” said Trump to himself.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 22, 20241 min read
Report: Biden willing to step down in exchange for signature Ben & Jerry's flavor
The president has settled on "Joseph Raisinet Biden," a play on both his middle name and the last 16 years of his political career.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 18, 20242 min read
Vance named Trump's running mate after job turned down by Hamburglar
"Dense Pence promised to steal Big Macs for me, but he gave up trying after failing at only 10 separate franchises. Coward," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 15, 20242 min read
Old Navy introduces junior maternity clothing line for Fourth of July sale
The line is the first of its kind to cater to those between the ages of 10-15.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 4, 20242 min read
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 2, 20242 min read
Biden confesses lack of energy during debate due to high-intensity Ironman training
“By the time I got my 90 mile ride in and finished it up with a quick half-marathon run, it was time to get to the stage!" explained Biden.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 28, 20242 min read
Tonight's 'real debate,' Olympic doping, and bread roulette
The Desk 6/27/24
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 27, 20242 min read
Biden to attempt flipping Trump voters by wearing Reagan mask during debate
"If you wanna be adored like the man, you’ve gotta look like the man, muchacho!” stated the 46th president of the United States.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 24, 20242 min read
Mummified beachgoers, evicted ships, and the Detroit Pistons
The Desk 6/20/24
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 20, 20242 min read
Heat wave prompts 'overwhelming' increase in shirtless, chubby older men with feet in baby pool
"We all heard the buzz about cicadas this summer, but this is truly an outbreak of its own," said biologist Dr. Candace Kruch.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 17, 20242 min read
Young adult entering 'Jordan year' probably not going to accomplish much
"What should I be doing? Do you want me to go to space? Do you want me to start a basic retirement plan? Ha, that's a laugh," said Blug.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 10, 20242 min read
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 7, 20242 min read
Struggling succulent just holding on for the kids
"I know, I know — they're not really kids. They're 23-year-old women now! But gosh, I worry about those girls," began the browning greenery.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 6, 20242 min read
Red Lobster to attempt comeback with discount dumpster seafood
Say goodbye to "Lobster your way" and hello to "Lobster the Red Lobster way" — a.k.a. "Scooped from the dumpster out back."
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 5, 20242 min read
Jimmy Carter announces entry into 2024 presidential race: 'It's the right time'
At 99 years old, the longtime hospice patient's energy and mental faculties greatly outmatch those of his opponents.
Mackenzie Moore
May 31, 20242 min read
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