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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Lindsey Graham’s Funeral Includes Separate Roommate Section
"He was quite the devil back then too,” chuckled 71-year-old Gary Hall. “Except it was less pro-bombing and anti-autonomy, more pro-tickling and anti-me shaving my chest hair.”
Mackenzie Moore
Primates Announce ‘Planet of the Apes’ Takeover: ‘We Only Held Back for Jane Goodall’
“We were going to do this back in the '60s, but then Jane Goodall traveled to Tanzania and saved your parasitic asses,” said Banjo, a chimp representing Rwanda.
Mackenzie Moore
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
‘But Pretti Had a Gun,’ Says Man with Pistol at Grocery Store
"He was clearly asking for trouble,” remarked the father of two, strolling past the deli counter with a loaded pistol as if the roast beef would suddenly come back to life and charge.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 261 min read
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