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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump considering abandoning Black vote in exchange for angle on Harris
“Laughing Kamala. Really, Donald? You can do better. Where’s that signature sense of humor?” said Trump to himself.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 22, 20241 min read
Vance named Trump's running mate after job turned down by Hamburglar
"Dense Pence promised to steal Big Macs for me, but he gave up trying after failing at only 10 separate franchises. Coward," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 15, 20242 min read
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 2, 20242 min read
Tonight's 'real debate,' Olympic doping, and bread roulette
The Desk 6/27/24
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 27, 20242 min read
Biden to attempt flipping Trump voters by wearing Reagan mask during debate
"If you wanna be adored like the man, you’ve gotta look like the man, muchacho!” stated the 46th president of the United States.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 24, 20242 min read
Jimmy Carter announces entry into 2024 presidential race: 'It's the right time'
At 99 years old, the longtime hospice patient's energy and mental faculties greatly outmatch those of his opponents.
Mackenzie Moore
May 31, 20242 min read
TikTok, the Titanic, and marijuana-eating rats
The Desk 3/13/24
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 13, 20242 min read
Giuliani sells decades-old prized dead bug collection after filing for bankruptcy following defamation suit
"This was my first," said Giuliani, wiping away a brown tear as he picked up a cockroach from the 1960s.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 21, 20232 min read
Puerto Rican cats, feces-filled Pringles cans, and war crimes
An Ohio lawyer has been suspended after throwing a Pringles can filled with feces onto the parking lot of a crime victim advocacy center....
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 30, 20232 min read
Snoop Dogg, Starbucks, and global conflict
The United Auto Workers have endorsed agreements between three major Detroit automakers, the most popular being Ford's with 67% support....
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 16, 20232 min read
Barry Manilow, Marines, and the Supreme Court
Senate Democrats are pushing ahead with a resolution that would circumvent Alabama Sen. Tommy Tuberville's blockade on confirming...
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 14, 20231 min read
Trump explains why he valued old, rotting treehouse at $100 million
"I have fond memories of my nanny carrying me up that tree from the ages of five to 15," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 8, 20232 min read
Trump forced to sell beloved golden toilet in order to pay legal fees
“I was hiding on that thing in the bathroom during all of it," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 25, 20232 min read
RFK Jr., Forbes billionaires, and avian mass suicide
Former President Donald Trump slammed Forbes yesterday after he failed to make the magazine’s top 400 billionaires list. He did, however,...
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 10, 20232 min read
Catty politicians, Parisian bedbugs, and the Nobel Prize
Rep. Matt Gaetz filed a motion this evening to strip House Speaker Kevin McCarthy from his position. It'll be tough to make happen, but...
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 2, 20232 min read
Bob Ross, Kraft Singles, and the death penalty
Sen. John Fetterman said today "If those jagoffs in the House stop trying to shut our government down and fully support Ukraine, I will...
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 20, 20231 min read
Pardons, Belgian STDs, and violent children
In an appearance on Meet the Press, former president Donald Trump said he could've pardoned himself while in office, but "had no...
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 15, 20232 min read
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