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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Soul of Aaron Rodgers requests trade to new person
"Being here is a waste of my time, and I'm immortal," explained the frustrated energy.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 112 min read
Jason Kelce retires, immediately throws all clothing in bonfire
The Super Bowl champion notably did not set any of his underwear ablaze, most likely because he did not own any to begin with.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 4, 20242 min read
Bucky Badger, Willie the Wildcat attend therapy together prior to matchup: 'For Becky'
"She wanted to eat Bec-key Lime Pie ice cream and drink glass after glass of milk. You're a cat — you're lactose intolerant!" said Bucky.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 10, 20233 min read
Fetus named top college football recruit of 2041
"We're just excited to get this guy viable outside of the womb and onto the gridiron," said Coach Fickell.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 19, 20232 min read
Packer fans’ cheese eating session more emotionally charged today
“I ate a block of sharp cheddar like it was a candy bar, but not in the fun way I’m used to,” said Packers owner Greg Kilovsky.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 15, 20232 min read
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