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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Primates Announce ‘Planet of the Apes’ Takeover: ‘We Only Held Back for Jane Goodall’
“We were going to do this back in the '60s, but then Jane Goodall traveled to Tanzania and saved your parasitic asses,” said Banjo, a chimp representing Rwanda.
Mackenzie Moore
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
‘But Pretti Had a Gun,’ Says Man with Pistol at Grocery Store
"He was clearly asking for trouble,” remarked the father of two, strolling past the deli counter with a loaded pistol as if the roast beef would suddenly come back to life and charge.
Mackenzie Moore
2 days ago1 min read
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