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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Conversation hearts receive annual reminder of being most unloved candy
"Y’see how ‘Kiss me’ is printed on my body? That includes my ass,” said one conversation heart.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 142 min read
Man’s New Year’s resolution to stop kidding self, give up
“People say ‘shoot for the moon and land among the stars,’ but I’d argue that you’re suffocating out there either way," said Wittker.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 21 min read
Couple debating which family to complain about visiting over holidays
"Remember when your mom learned Photoshop just to cut me out of the picture you sent for the Christmas card?” asked girlfriend Jane Vye.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 18, 20242 min read
Parents relieved to see mall Santa only appropriate level of happy to be there
"I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t mentally preparing to punch Kris Kringle in the trachea on the drive over," said the father.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 16, 20242 min read
Car celebrating Earth Day by refusing to start
The Honda acknowledges that the demonstration may partially be a passive-aggressive response to having hot coffee spilled all over it again.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 22, 20242 min read
Man wearing 'Kiss me, I'm Irish' t-shirt really just alcoholic in need of hug
"Oh, I'm alright — don't worry about me," said Mahoney, five beers deep 30 minutes after arriving to O'Shaugnessy's Irish Pub.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 15, 20242 min read
Children at Chuck E. Cheese traumatized by adult Leap Day birthday parties
"Some of the really tall boys are even peeing in corners like their parents haven't taught them to use the potty yet."
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 29, 20243 min read
Report: 78% of heart-shaped pizzas eaten alone in dark
"Valentine's Day is supposed to be about love, so I don't see why it can't be about self-love too," said Altadena's Maria Schaffer.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 14, 20243 min read
Starbucks to combat 'war on Christmas' complaints with new fetus flavor
"This is as close as I'll ever come to tasting baby Jesus, and gosh is he sweet," said Minnesota mom Pam Salders.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 19, 20232 min read
Easter Bunny announces egg gifting cutbacks
"It's always been about the eggs. It will always be about the eggs," said the Easter Bunny.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 5, 20232 min read
Study finds majority of Valentine’s Day candy purchased by people trying to ‘be their own Valentine’
“I’m sorry, but could you please leave me alone?” said a woman scoping out the fancier section of the Walgreens candy aisle.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 14, 20232 min read
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