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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Lindsey Graham’s Funeral Includes Separate Roommate Section
"He was quite the devil back then too,” chuckled 71-year-old Gary Hall. “Except it was less pro-bombing and anti-autonomy, more pro-tickling and anti-me shaving my chest hair.”
Mackenzie Moore
Primates Announce ‘Planet of the Apes’ Takeover: ‘We Only Held Back for Jane Goodall’
“We were going to do this back in the '60s, but then Jane Goodall traveled to Tanzania and saved your parasitic asses,” said Banjo, a chimp representing Rwanda.
Mackenzie Moore
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
‘Nobody cares about Pride Month’ says man talking about it constantly
"I’m sick of this rainbow flag BS," the Iowan posted on Facebook for the 17th time in five days.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 5, 20252 min read
Heat wave prompts 'overwhelming' increase in shirtless, chubby older men with feet in baby pool
"We all heard the buzz about cicadas this summer, but this is truly an outbreak of its own," said biologist Dr. Candace Kruch.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 17, 20242 min read
Paul McCartney, Swedish murderers, and cornhole
After teasing a third party run, Sen. Joe Manchin has announced he won't be running for president after all. "Oh no! Well, anyway..."...
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 16, 20242 min read
Woman struggling with imposter syndrome since losing middle school spelling bee
Despite her struggles, the English professor tries not to let the memory dictate her life.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 18, 20232 min read
Fireworks to be replaced by livestream of old man eating soup
For a holiday marked by missing fingers and Old Navy sales, there's no need to get too high tech.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 3, 20233 min read
Aging couple just wants to live long enough to become burden to children
“That way, we’d have more time with the grandchildren,” said Mrs. McKinney, referring to her zero grandkids.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 8, 20233 min read
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