‘Nobody cares about Pride Month’ says man talking about it constantly

This week marks the start of Pride Month, a time of love, remembrance, and community. Or, in the case of Iowa man Jason Grable, 30 days of pure hell during which he’s faced with a terrifying concept — that everything may not be about him. 

“Nobody cares about Pride Month! I’m sick of this rainbow flag BS,” Grable posted on Facebook for the 17th time in five days, amassing nearly half a dozen likes from people whose profile pictures appear to have been taken by a short, angry toddler. 

Making a point to scroll until he finds something to get mad at during every vape break, the construction worker has other ideas for how this time of year should be celebrated.

“How about we make June Straight Pride Month? That’ll get under the Alphabet Mafia’s skin,” offered the 42-year-old with a heart rate of 110 bpm despite being completely stationary. 

The celebration would include public displays of hetero love, warm beer, and meat cooked to the point where it’s better used as charcoal for next time — all but one of which Grable already partakes in on the regular. 

Returning to a peaceful, empty home that evening, the Ankeny resident decided to liven up his Thursday night by checking out some advertisements. 

“Levi’s went woke? Just pathetic. I’ll never buy from them again,” commented Grable, lounging in 15-year-old jeans that have seen more drunken urination accidents than washing machine cycles. “These companies are just bowing down to the gay agenda for the money.”

Noticing that said gay people also agree with his last point, the bachelor opted to close the app and switch to Tinder with the hopes of finding a woman to someday make “I hate my wife” jokes about. 

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Photo courtesy of Robert Stinnett via CC BY 2.0