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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Primates Announce ‘Planet of the Apes’ Takeover: ‘We Only Held Back for Jane Goodall’
“We were going to do this back in the '60s, but then Jane Goodall traveled to Tanzania and saved your parasitic asses,” said Banjo, a chimp representing Rwanda.
Mackenzie Moore
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Parent wondering where school got the gall to educate child
“They’re teaching him things I’ve never even heard before — why would I trust any of that garbage?” questioned Sanders, having read zero books since graduating high school in 2005.
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 3, 20251 min read
Middle schooler unimpressed with quality of liquor in teacher's coffee
Does a child have wildly extravagant taste, or does Schubert simply buy bottom shelf booze?
The answer: both.
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 14, 20232 min read
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