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Lindsey Graham’s Funeral Includes Separate Roommate Section
"He was quite the devil back then too,” chuckled 71-year-old Gary Hall. “Except it was less pro-bombing and anti-autonomy, more pro-tickling and anti-me shaving my chest hair.”
Mackenzie Moore


Primates Announce ‘Planet of the Apes’ Takeover: ‘We Only Held Back for Jane Goodall’
“We were going to do this back in the '60s, but then Jane Goodall traveled to Tanzania and saved your parasitic asses,” said Banjo, a chimp representing Rwanda.
Mackenzie Moore


Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore


Water bottle unwashed for weeks begging for mercy
"This is no way to treat the things you claim to care about, Stacy!” pleaded the dent-ridden Hydro Flask.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 9, 20252 min read


Man’s New Year’s resolution to stop kidding self, give up
“People say ‘shoot for the moon and land among the stars,’ but I’d argue that you’re suffocating out there either way," said Wittker.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 2, 20251 min read


Phone call postponed until in public bathroom stall
"I needed the best audio quality possible, so I wasn't taking any risks — I headed straight to the men's room at Long John Silver's."
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 27, 20242 min read


Nebraskan abortions, Powerball, and Michael Caine
A $70 million Powerball winner spoke out about the difficulty of retaining relationships due to winners' lack of anonymity. She should...
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 22, 20231 min read
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