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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump doubles down on debate: 'Having a plan is for nerds, losers'
"Having a plan without being elected president first? That's like knowing how to run a business before being named CEO," said Trump.
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 11, 20242 min read
Biden confesses lack of energy during debate due to high-intensity Ironman training
“By the time I got my 90 mile ride in and finished it up with a quick half-marathon run, it was time to get to the stage!" explained Biden.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 28, 20242 min read
Tonight's 'real debate,' Olympic doping, and bread roulette
The Desk 6/27/24
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 27, 20242 min read
Biden to attempt flipping Trump voters by wearing Reagan mask during debate
"If you wanna be adored like the man, you’ve gotta look like the man, muchacho!” stated the 46th president of the United States.
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 24, 20242 min read
Future Republican debates to be moderated by those windy dancing car dealership thingies
"If the moderators can't be people, can they at least be women?" said Vivek Ramaswamy to great applause from his supporter.
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 29, 20232 min read
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