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Lindsey Graham’s Funeral Includes Separate Roommate Section
"He was quite the devil back then too,” chuckled 71-year-old Gary Hall. “Except it was less pro-bombing and anti-autonomy, more pro-tickling and anti-me shaving my chest hair.”
Mackenzie Moore


Primates Announce ‘Planet of the Apes’ Takeover: ‘We Only Held Back for Jane Goodall’
“We were going to do this back in the '60s, but then Jane Goodall traveled to Tanzania and saved your parasitic asses,” said Banjo, a chimp representing Rwanda.
Mackenzie Moore


Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore


Report: President Biden to spend Election Day in recliner eating pints of ice cream, 'giddily' kicking feet under blanket
"Come 6 a.m., you'll find me kicking back and cozied up to a cold one," said Biden, referring to a pint of Chunky Monkey.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 4, 20242 min read


Tonight's 'real debate,' Olympic doping, and bread roulette
The Desk 6/27/24
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 27, 20242 min read


Jimmy Carter announces entry into 2024 presidential race: 'It's the right time'
At 99 years old, the longtime hospice patient's energy and mental faculties greatly outmatch those of his opponents.
Mackenzie Moore
May 31, 20242 min read


Ron DeSantis spending newfound free time practicing human smile in bathroom mirror
"I follow the instructions to 'If You're Happy and You Know It' to the letter 60 times per day," said DeSantis.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 22, 20242 min read
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