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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States
“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.
Mackenzie Moore
Parent wondering where school got the gall to educate child
“They’re teaching him things I’ve never even heard before — why would I trust any of that garbage?” questioned Sanders, having read zero books since graduating high school in 2005.
Mackenzie Moore
2 days ago1 min read
'Mein Kampf' to be only book allowed in school libraries
"This country would be an awful lot better if people accepted the good word into their hearts," said Welles.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 7, 20232 min read
Teachers unions to strike unless given right to smack one kid per quarter
With major strikes happening across the country, many teachers are calling for a strike of their own. While most would assume they would...
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 3, 20232 min read
Taylor Swift, government shutdowns, and eating grass
President Biden appeared at the United Auto Workers strike today, saying he supports them getting a raise and to "stick with it." Soon...
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 26, 20232 min read
Middle schooler unimpressed with quality of liquor in teacher's coffee
Does a child have wildly extravagant taste, or does Schubert simply buy bottom shelf booze?
The answer: both.
Mackenzie Moore
Sep 14, 20232 min read
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