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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Mitch McConnell Reaching Across Aisle For Uppies
“Ah jeez, he’s doing that thing again,” sighed Minnesota senator Amy Klobuchar as McConnell extended his arms in her direction, opening and closing his hands while staring unblinkingly.
Mackenzie Moore
Lindsey Graham’s Funeral Includes Separate Roommate Section
"He was quite the devil back then too,” chuckled 71-year-old Gary Hall. “Except it was less pro-bombing and anti-autonomy, more pro-tickling and anti-me shaving my chest hair.”
Mackenzie Moore
Primates Announce ‘Planet of the Apes’ Takeover: ‘We Only Held Back for Jane Goodall’
“We were going to do this back in the '60s, but then Jane Goodall traveled to Tanzania and saved your parasitic asses,” said Banjo, a chimp representing Rwanda.
Mackenzie Moore
Family Vacation Ruined By Dad’s Toes
"I’d forget everything I hold dear if it meant being freed of the image of my father squeezing the white-sand beach between his yellow-nailed grippers," said Stiegel's visibly shaken daughter.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 52 min read
Vacation fund primarily for coffee, 'little treats'
"I haven't had a vacation in years, but have you ever had a cake pop?" said Winona, Minnesota P.E. teacher Eric Wilcox.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 4, 20232 min read
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