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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Primates Announce ‘Planet of the Apes’ Takeover: ‘We Only Held Back for Jane Goodall’
“We were going to do this back in the '60s, but then Jane Goodall traveled to Tanzania and saved your parasitic asses,” said Banjo, a chimp representing Rwanda.
Mackenzie Moore
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Confirmation hearings, Mr. Baseball, and Conan's quaff
The Desk 1/16/25
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 16, 20252 min read
Facebook mom distraught after neglecting to make new post for third 'National Sons Day' of the year
"Do I acknowledge that I know I'm a bit late, or do I just shoot it out there and hope nobody notices?" debated the mother of two.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 3, 20242 min read
Local man looking forward to catching Northern Lights right outside window when TV less interesting
"You never know when they'll air an episode of 'Storage Wars' for the last time," said Suamico, Wisconsin's Rich Schmitz.
Mackenzie Moore
May 13, 20242 min read
Dick's Sporting Goods to only stock tents after being named top retailer of new homes
Mays hopes to move back into an apartment once she's done paying off medical bills for an ointment she received after stepping on a bee.
Mackenzie Moore
May 1, 20242 min read
Phone call postponed until in public bathroom stall
"I needed the best audio quality possible, so I wasn't taking any risks — I headed straight to the men's room at Long John Silver's."
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 27, 20242 min read
Close call: Facebook restored just before uncle gets news from news source
"I don't trust anyone who can't get all their thoughts out in 30 words or less," said Zeiber.
Mackenzie Moore
Mar 5, 20242 min read
Paul McCartney, Swedish murderers, and cornhole
After teasing a third party run, Sen. Joe Manchin has announced he won't be running for president after all. "Oh no! Well, anyway..."...
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 16, 20242 min read
Man’s favorite sub shop whatever’s located in hospital
Carl Howard seeks out hospitals that are nice enough to be in business, but rough enough that there's a Subway in the lobby.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 7, 20243 min read
Man's New Year's resolution is to come up with good fake answer when asked about New Year's resolution
"Nothing healthy people do appeals to me," said Shawano, Wisconsin's Chris Wright.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 4, 20242 min read
Ron Johnson on not speaking up about Madison Nazi march: 'I want to be reelected'
"There's all of this conversation these days — 'Nazis are bad,' 'We need to do something about the Nazis.' My question is, what about me?"
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 21, 20233 min read
Woman struggling with imposter syndrome since losing middle school spelling bee
Despite her struggles, the English professor tries not to let the memory dictate her life.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 18, 20232 min read
Bucky Badger, Willie the Wildcat attend therapy together prior to matchup: 'For Becky'
"She wanted to eat Bec-key Lime Pie ice cream and drink glass after glass of milk. You're a cat — you're lactose intolerant!" said Bucky.
Mackenzie Moore
Nov 10, 20233 min read
Vacation fund primarily for coffee, 'little treats'
"I haven't had a vacation in years, but have you ever had a cake pop?" said Winona, Minnesota P.E. teacher Eric Wilcox.
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 4, 20232 min read
Teachers unions to strike unless given right to smack one kid per quarter
With major strikes happening across the country, many teachers are calling for a strike of their own. While most would assume they would...
Mackenzie Moore
Oct 3, 20232 min read
Fetus named top college football recruit of 2041
"We're just excited to get this guy viable outside of the womb and onto the gridiron," said Coach Fickell.
Mackenzie Moore
Aug 19, 20232 min read
Wisconsin glad air finally clean enough to breathe in fresh, hot manure
Wisconsinites can now breathe in the good shit — literally.
Mackenzie Moore
Jul 2, 20233 min read
Beautiful day really getting in way of planned wallowing
"Had to go have coffee on my porch and take it all in. Absolute bullshit."
Mackenzie Moore
Jun 19, 20232 min read
Surgeon receives OWI after cracking beers in operating room
"I mean come on — I'm not driving a car, I'm doing brain surgery. It's not rocket science," said Dr. Fowley.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 24, 20233 min read
State of Wisconsin collectively agrees to pretend it's summer
"I already put all of my jeans into storage for the year. It's flip flop time, baby," concluded Monroe's Dave Wincher.
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 17, 20232 min read
Wisconsin mourns end of peak season in which eating fried fish considered healthy
"If I hadn't taken my family out for fish every week of March, I would've missed my four-year-old's first old fashioned."
Mackenzie Moore
Apr 10, 20232 min read
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