Catholic man hoping next pope ‘a little less Jesus-y’

A new era in the Catholic Church kicks off on Wednesday as cardinals from around the world gather to begin the process of electing the next pope. 

While factors such as age, experience, and nationality have led some to settle on their ideal candidate, Mississippi man George Cain simply wishes for the incoming representative of Christ on Earth to be “a little less Jesus-y.” 

“Watching Pope Francis get on his knees to wash the feet of prisoners and refugees year after year was just pathetic. We can’t have another cuck running the Vatican! We need a strong leader who will protect the sanctity of the Catholic family,” said the estranged father of three. 

Sitting in a sagging recliner from 1997, Cain rattled off his wish list for the future pontiff. 

“First of all, we need a youth movement. No more electing people pushing 80 — we oughta be aiming for a sprightly 72. Maybe a Hulk Hogan type,” suggested the 65-year-old. “Also, I’m sick of this ‘love thy neighbor’ bullshit. I don’t even love my actual neighbor, and he’s been my best friend for decades. Believe me — if he does so much as mows a yard over the property line, I’m throwing a dookie in his mailbox.” 

Further, in a significant step away from tradition, the retiree says he’d like the new Holy Father to do away with bread and wine being served during Communion.

“The body and blood of Jesus is in a tiny wafer and a sip of cabernet? That’s the gay agenda if I’ve ever heard of it,” snarked the bachelor. “How about beef jerky and Budweiser? The vegans might crucify me for that, but heck, always good to have one more thing in common with the Big Man — Mel Gibson.”

As of today, there’s no way to know who the next leader of the Catholic Church will be. Even so, Cain is prepared to greet the decision with either bright eyes or a broken TV. 

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Photo courtesy of Denis Dervisevic via CC BY 2.0