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Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin

"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.

Mackenzie Moore

Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'

“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.

Mackenzie Moore

Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States

“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.

Mackenzie Moore

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The Desk

Denial of the Day: 'Crossword maker wrong, not me'

"How did nobody catch this before it was published?" wondered Reading, PA resident Jenna Happ.

Mackenzie Moore

Jul 30, 20242 min read

Heat wave prompts 'overwhelming' increase in shirtless, chubby older men with feet in baby pool

"We all heard the buzz about cicadas this summer, but this is truly an outbreak of its own," said biologist Dr. Candace Kruch.

Mackenzie Moore

Jun 17, 20242 min read

Young adult entering 'Jordan year' probably not going to accomplish much

"What should I be doing? Do you want me to go to space? Do you want me to start a basic retirement plan? Ha, that's a laugh," said Blug.

Mackenzie Moore

Jun 10, 20242 min read

Struggling succulent just holding on for the kids

"I know, I know — they're not really kids. They're 23-year-old women now! But gosh, I worry about those girls," began the browning greenery.

Mackenzie Moore

Jun 6, 20242 min read

Old, worn-out toothbrush silently begging to be put out of misery

"God, please end this hellish agony. Assign me to toilet duty — I'll do anything!" shrieked the $5 Oral-B product.

Mackenzie Moore

May 30, 20242 min read

Coworker waiting until your mouth full to ask question

"I know it's time to approach when I see someone try to shove a heaping forkful of Green Goddess salad down their gullet," said Lowe.

Mackenzie Moore

May 22, 20242 min read

Lying mom insists happy children all she wanted for Mother's Day

"Oh, gosh — I had a great Mother's Day! It's really not like me to want a whole to-do," lied Milton.

Mackenzie Moore

May 13, 20242 min read

Local man looking forward to catching Northern Lights right outside window when TV less interesting

"You never know when they'll air an episode of 'Storage Wars' for the last time," said Suamico, Wisconsin's Rich Schmitz.

Mackenzie Moore

May 13, 20242 min read

Otherwise untoned man's bulging calves impossible not to ogle

"Gosh! Those meaty little water balloons could just pop!" said mother of three and local insurance agent Dede Oltman.

Mackenzie Moore

Apr 29, 20242 min read

Car celebrating Earth Day by refusing to start

The Honda acknowledges that the demonstration may partially be a passive-aggressive response to having hot coffee spilled all over it again.

Mackenzie Moore

Apr 22, 20242 min read

Boss' April Fools' Day prank just throwing employee appreciation event

"I looked back at what I did for past employee appreciation days, then reworked those ideas as if I actually cared," chuckled Darragh.

Mackenzie Moore

Apr 1, 20242 min read

Phone call postponed until in public bathroom stall

"I needed the best audio quality possible, so I wasn't taking any risks — I headed straight to the men's room at Long John Silver's."

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 27, 20242 min read

Employee fired after losing office March Madness bracket competition in first round

"Unfortunately, she doesn't know jack about hoops," said Ingles' boss.

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 21, 20242 min read

Chicagoan insisting ketchup doesn't belong on hot dogs also has strong opinions on chicken nuggets, PB&J sandwiches

"I will never, ever, ever put ketchup on a hot dog — that's for little babies," said the kindergartner.

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 19, 20242 min read

Man wearing 'Kiss me, I'm Irish' t-shirt really just alcoholic in need of hug

"Oh, I'm alright — don't worry about me," said Mahoney, five beers deep 30 minutes after arriving to O'Shaugnessy's Irish Pub.

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 15, 20242 min read

Close call: Facebook restored just before uncle gets news from news source

"I don't trust anyone who can't get all their thoughts out in 30 words or less," said Zeiber.

Mackenzie Moore

Mar 5, 20242 min read

Children at Chuck E. Cheese traumatized by adult Leap Day birthday parties

"Some of the really tall boys are even peeing in corners like their parents haven't taught them to use the potty yet."

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 29, 20243 min read

Generous landlord agrees not to raise rent in exchange for ripping out plumbing, electricity

The landlord isn't completely sure what he'll do with his increasingly warehouse-sized stockpile, but a "pay to play" scenario is likely.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 22, 20242 min read

Healing crystal collection primarily gravel, glass found in parking lots

Sometimes, new pieces find Sheila Humphrey when she least expects it.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 21, 20242 min read

Restaurant with ‘World Famous’ sign internationally known for being awful

The Wooster, Ohio Italian joint has been in business since 1997.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 19, 20243 min read