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Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin

"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.

Mackenzie Moore

Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'

“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.

Mackenzie Moore

Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States

“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.

Mackenzie Moore

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The Desk

Man’s favorite sub shop whatever’s located in hospital

Carl Howard seeks out hospitals that are nice enough to be in business, but rough enough that there's a Subway in the lobby.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 7, 20243 min read

Perp caught stealing apple pie from windowsill sentenced to death: 'It was still steaming'

Nine-year-old farm boy Jiminy Wilkes will see the electric chair before he has the chance to see fifth grade.

Mackenzie Moore

Jan 31, 20242 min read

Man's New Year's resolution is to come up with good fake answer when asked about New Year's resolution

"Nothing healthy people do appeals to me," said Shawano, Wisconsin's Chris Wright.

Mackenzie Moore

Jan 4, 20242 min read

Why my family is dressing like Winnie the Pooh this Thanksgiving

When I finally have my whole family around the table, I don't want them to worry about bursting out of their Levis.

Mackenzie Moore

Nov 22, 20232 min read

Woman struggling with imposter syndrome since losing middle school spelling bee

Despite her struggles, the English professor tries not to let the memory dictate her life.

Mackenzie Moore

Nov 18, 20232 min read

Not today, toxic masculinity: This man makes an effort to hold hands at the urinal

Hatred. Poverty. War. All things that are less important than today's #1 issue — toxic masculinity. Aka the cultural practice of men...

Mackenzie Moore

Oct 22, 20232 min read

Vacation fund primarily for coffee, 'little treats'

"I haven't had a vacation in years, but have you ever had a cake pop?" said Winona, Minnesota P.E. teacher Eric Wilcox.

Mackenzie Moore

Oct 4, 20232 min read

Middle schooler unimpressed with quality of liquor in teacher's coffee

Does a child have wildly extravagant taste, or does Schubert simply buy bottom shelf booze? The answer: both.

Mackenzie Moore

Sep 14, 20232 min read

"Going to Chicago is just asking to be shot," says man who insists on carrying gun at all times

"Windy City? Good luck avoiding a stray bullet," said Babson.

Mackenzie Moore

Sep 3, 20232 min read

How to set boundaries with people when they ask what you did today

At a certain point, people stop asking about things they don't want to hear.

Mackenzie Moore

Aug 4, 20232 min read

Home of the Brave: Man's outfit just tight American flag underwear

Hell yeah.

Mackenzie Moore

Jul 4, 20232 min read

Fireworks to be replaced by livestream of old man eating soup

For a holiday marked by missing fingers and Old Navy sales, there's no need to get too high tech.

Mackenzie Moore

Jul 3, 20233 min read

Beautiful day really getting in way of planned wallowing

"Had to go have coffee on my porch and take it all in. Absolute bullshit."

Mackenzie Moore

Jun 19, 20232 min read

Sidewalk finally hot enough to cook steak on

"I've ordered steak in a restaurant. You don't get that dirty, raw taste from anything you can get at an Outback Steakhouse," said Higsby.

Mackenzie Moore

Jun 6, 20232 min read

Anti-Pride protester locks self in dark room for month to avoid seeing colors of the rainbow

The Slug Report caught up with Scott Larson just before he entered his 30 days and 30 nights of complete boredom and utter uselessness.

Mackenzie Moore

Jun 1, 20232 min read

Intrusive Thought Victory: This guy bit his dentist's hand as hard as he could

"I didn't wanna do it, but I definitely did," said Broderick.

Mackenzie Moore

May 26, 20232 min read

Hardworking woman requests meal train to recover from difficult period of cooking own food

"This is a time where I would really appreciate my community rallying around me," said Bennett.

Mackenzie Moore

May 24, 20233 min read

Woman dies after holding door open for consistent stream of people for six days

Neese held the door open for the person behind her, only to never find the right time to step away from her purely self-assigned duty.

Mackenzie Moore

May 17, 20232 min read

Man's strongly held political beliefs based on articles he's never read

"I don't need to read the article. I'm not stupid — I know what it says," said the "School of Hard Knocks" graduate.

Mackenzie Moore

May 2, 20232 min read

State of Wisconsin collectively agrees to pretend it's summer

"I already put all of my jeans into storage for the year. It's flip flop time, baby," concluded Monroe's Dave Wincher.

Mackenzie Moore

Apr 17, 20232 min read