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The Slug Report
The latest news delivered at a slug's pace
News
Primates Announce ‘Planet of the Apes’ Takeover: ‘We Only Held Back for Jane Goodall’
“We were going to do this back in the '60s, but then Jane Goodall traveled to Tanzania and saved your parasitic asses,” said Banjo, a chimp representing Rwanda.
Mackenzie Moore
Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin
"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.
Mackenzie Moore
Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'
“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.
Mackenzie Moore
Biden returns to Oval Office for first time since killing, eating man
"I saw an empty fire extinguisher and just started wailing on the guy like he was a piñata full of Tootsie Rolls," said Biden.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 15, 20242 min read
Report: 78% of heart-shaped pizzas eaten alone in dark
"Valentine's Day is supposed to be about love, so I don't see why it can't be about self-love too," said Altadena's Maria Schaffer.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 14, 20243 min read
Historical records show Jesus had $300 million annual marketing budget
Newly discovered historical records show that the son of God had what now equates to a $250 million annual marketing budget.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 13, 20242 min read
Super Bowl ads, listeria, and Times Square
More foods are being recalled due to a deadly outbreak of listeria poisoning, including seven-layer dip, chicken enchiladas, and taco...
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 9, 20242 min read
Puppy Bowl athlete disqualified after testing positive for PEDs
15-week-old golden retriever Jellybean Funkhouser was disqualified after submitting to a routine random drug test.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 8, 20242 min read
Man’s favorite sub shop whatever’s located in hospital
Carl Howard seeks out hospitals that are nice enough to be in business, but rough enough that there's a Subway in the lobby.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 7, 20243 min read
Increased police presence on Sesame Street due to bomb threat
Police believe the threat was made by Larry David after the caller complained about how annoying the traffic would be on the way.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 6, 20242 min read
Taylor Swift uses big Grammy win to announce purchase of Kansas City Chiefs
"I took a look at my pocket change and thought 'Taylor, you deserve a little treat. You should buy the team.' So I did!" said Swift.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 5, 20243 min read
Punxsutawney Phil, Elmo, and the CIA
Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow today, clearly predicting an early spring. Given the groundhog's batting average, meteorologists...
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 2, 20242 min read
Study finds strong correlation between eating can of soup in two separate servings and being a psychopath
It's ultimately a significant help when trying to determine if someone is a Jeffrey Dahmer-style asshole or just the garden variety.
Mackenzie Moore
Feb 1, 20242 min read
Perp caught stealing apple pie from windowsill sentenced to death: 'It was still steaming'
Nine-year-old farm boy Jiminy Wilkes will see the electric chair before he has the chance to see fifth grade.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 31, 20242 min read
NFL to hold first ‘Ugh Bowl’
"Get ready for an okay time!" said commissioner Roger Goodell.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 29, 20242 min read
Solo cups to be $20 each in effort to compete with Stanley
"Customers can rest assured that increased price does not mean increased quality," said CEO Robert Korzenski.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 25, 20242 min read
Ron DeSantis spending newfound free time practicing human smile in bathroom mirror
"I follow the instructions to 'If You're Happy and You Know It' to the letter 60 times per day," said DeSantis.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 22, 20242 min read
Jerry Jones to challenge Dak Prescott for Dallas Cowboys' starting quarterback spot
After 35 years of sitting up in the box, I think it's about dang time I touch some grass," said Jones.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 15, 20242 min read
Man's New Year's resolution is to come up with good fake answer when asked about New Year's resolution
"Nothing healthy people do appeals to me," said Shawano, Wisconsin's Chris Wright.
Mackenzie Moore
Jan 4, 20242 min read
Pop-Tarts Bowl mascot to be canonized as saint by Pope Francis
"To canonize him will be the highlight of my career," concluded a sniffling Pope Francis.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 29, 20232 min read
Joe Gow to replace Jay Rothman as president of Universities of Wisconsin: 'Wisconsin education needs an attentive lover'
"Sure, I'm not a generous lover. Heck, I'm not big on loving in the first place — I don't take 'no' for an answer," said Rothman.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 28, 20232 min read
Giuliani sells decades-old prized dead bug collection after filing for bankruptcy following defamation suit
"This was my first," said Giuliani, wiping away a brown tear as he picked up a cockroach from the 1960s.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 21, 20232 min read
Starbucks to combat 'war on Christmas' complaints with new fetus flavor
"This is as close as I'll ever come to tasting baby Jesus, and gosh is he sweet," said Minnesota mom Pam Salders.
Mackenzie Moore
Dec 19, 20232 min read
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