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Oscar the Grouch decries ‘woke’ Sesame Street after being forcefully moved to compost bin

"They took me away from my family heirlooms!" complained Oscar, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.

Mackenzie Moore

Trump deported to El Salvador after stating 'homegrown criminals are next'

“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear," said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.

Mackenzie Moore

Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States

“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.

Mackenzie Moore

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Report: 78% of heart-shaped pizzas eaten alone in dark

"Valentine's Day is supposed to be about love, so I don't see why it can't be about self-love too," said Altadena's Maria Schaffer.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 14, 20243 min read

Historical records show Jesus had $300 million annual marketing budget

Newly discovered historical records show that the son of God had what now equates to a $250 million annual marketing budget.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 13, 20242 min read

Super Bowl ads, listeria, and Times Square

More foods are being recalled due to a deadly outbreak of listeria poisoning, including seven-layer dip, chicken enchiladas, and taco...

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 9, 20242 min read

Puppy Bowl athlete disqualified after testing positive for PEDs

15-week-old golden retriever Jellybean Funkhouser was disqualified after submitting to a routine random drug test.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 8, 20242 min read

Man’s favorite sub shop whatever’s located in hospital

Carl Howard seeks out hospitals that are nice enough to be in business, but rough enough that there's a Subway in the lobby.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 7, 20243 min read

Increased police presence on Sesame Street due to bomb threat

Police believe the threat was made by Larry David after the caller complained about how annoying the traffic would be on the way.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 6, 20242 min read

Taylor Swift uses big Grammy win to announce purchase of Kansas City Chiefs

"I took a look at my pocket change and thought 'Taylor, you deserve a little treat. You should buy the team.' So I did!" said Swift.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 5, 20243 min read

Punxsutawney Phil, Elmo, and the CIA

Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow today, clearly predicting an early spring. Given the groundhog's batting average, meteorologists...

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 2, 20242 min read

Study finds strong correlation between eating can of soup in two separate servings and being a psychopath

It's ultimately a significant help when trying to determine if someone is a Jeffrey Dahmer-style asshole or just the garden variety.

Mackenzie Moore

Feb 1, 20242 min read

Perp caught stealing apple pie from windowsill sentenced to death: 'It was still steaming'

Nine-year-old farm boy Jiminy Wilkes will see the electric chair before he has the chance to see fifth grade.

Mackenzie Moore

Jan 31, 20242 min read

NFL to hold first ‘Ugh Bowl’

"Get ready for an okay time!" said commissioner Roger Goodell.

Mackenzie Moore

Jan 29, 20242 min read

Solo cups to be $20 each in effort to compete with Stanley

"Customers can rest assured that increased price does not mean increased quality," said CEO Robert Korzenski.

Mackenzie Moore

Jan 25, 20242 min read

Ron DeSantis spending newfound free time practicing human smile in bathroom mirror

"I follow the instructions to 'If You're Happy and You Know It' to the letter 60 times per day," said DeSantis.

Mackenzie Moore

Jan 22, 20242 min read

Jerry Jones to challenge Dak Prescott for Dallas Cowboys' starting quarterback spot

After 35 years of sitting up in the box, I think it's about dang time I touch some grass," said Jones.

Mackenzie Moore

Jan 15, 20242 min read

Man's New Year's resolution is to come up with good fake answer when asked about New Year's resolution

"Nothing healthy people do appeals to me," said Shawano, Wisconsin's Chris Wright.

Mackenzie Moore

Jan 4, 20242 min read

Pop-Tarts Bowl mascot to be canonized as saint by Pope Francis

"To canonize him will be the highlight of my career," concluded a sniffling Pope Francis.

Mackenzie Moore

Dec 29, 20232 min read

Joe Gow to replace Jay Rothman as president of Universities of Wisconsin: 'Wisconsin education needs an attentive lover'

"Sure, I'm not a generous lover. Heck, I'm not big on loving in the first place — I don't take 'no' for an answer," said Rothman.

Mackenzie Moore

Dec 28, 20232 min read

Giuliani sells decades-old prized dead bug collection after filing for bankruptcy following defamation suit

"This was my first," said Giuliani, wiping away a brown tear as he picked up a cockroach from the 1960s.

Mackenzie Moore

Dec 21, 20232 min read

Starbucks to combat 'war on Christmas' complaints with new fetus flavor

"This is as close as I'll ever come to tasting baby Jesus, and gosh is he sweet," said Minnesota mom Pam Salders.

Mackenzie Moore

Dec 19, 20232 min read

Draymond Green to receive anger management training from tantrum-prone toddler

4-year-old counselor Levi Anders was recently suspended from Sunnyside Daycare until he stops punching kids for knowing how to count.

Mackenzie Moore

Dec 15, 20232 min read